We've submitted.
We've honestly, vulnerably, transparently requested.
We've waited.
Finally, God answers. No given time frame, but he always does...
And his answer is... (grossly over simplified)
Yes.
No.
Wrong Question.
Wait.
"Let's work on ____ first."
It's always the right answer... and He always answers... it just might not be what we expect, what we're looking for, or what we think fits the scenario the best...
And, I think there is a temptation, when God answers in a way that does not suit our personal tastes or desires, to want to reject it out-right, because it's not the way we would do it. But I think God's question to us here, is the same question that he gives us at the beginning of the prayer process, and asks throughout:
"Do you trust me?" "Are you praying to me, or just saying empty words?"
Because I am the God who promises that I am for you.
...that I love you.
...that I will work all things out for the good of those whom I love.
...that I know you and all the desires of your heart.
...that I have good plans, the best plans, for you, in my timing
...that I love you.
"Do you trust me, to be the one who answers your prayers?"
So, thus, we come full circle, in prayer... it begins with trust, it ends with trust. Prayer, by nature, requires trust and dependence, saying yes, to a God who is bigger and holier than either you or me. It requires submission of my will to God's, both in our requests and in God's answer.
At a fundamental level, prayer requires letting God be God and considering ourselves in our true light, desires and identity. This restoration of holy order between God and mankind is called worship. It is a full recognition of who God is and who we are. Glory, honor, credit, authority, rightly bestowed.
Prayer, therefore, begins and ends and is characterized throughout with worship.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Prayer: waiting in hopeful expectation
OK. So we're finally submitting... and we're being completely transparent with God in our needs, our hopes, and our deepest heart-longings.
All this happened quite easily and quickly, of course. No struggle. No blood, sweat, tears.
Right.
But we're there... now what?
At this point in time, God instantaneously always sends me a bullet-pointed email with 3-5 action steps that I can easily take to realize all my hopes and dreams and to resolve whatever pertains to my current life situation drama.
Right.
See, I think I would be far more comfortable with that option... or, I would love to just pretend that we never had this conversation... that those needs/wants/desires aren't there, and I am a-okay fine! But I don't think that's actually where God invites us. Rather, I think the point of desperation prayer-- of real heart-longing prayers-- is that they leave us in a place of waiting, dependence, and expectation.
"I have no where else to turn." "I cannot do this for myself." "I need you!"
I like to call this the "point of no return" because here and now, we've expressed a heart-felt deep need that we ourselves cannot meet. There's no where else we can go... it's either God or nothing... there is no back-up plan.
And so we have a choice: either we wait in hopeful expectation OR we stuff it and pretend it doesn't exist, medicate in our usual ways, and allow our unmet desires to ferment into overflowing wells of bitterade and cynicism.
There's something holy in the waiting, hard though it is...
It's far easier to stuff it. To run. To bury things like a skinny squirrel from a large family in the midst of a cold winter. To pretend that it doesn't matter. To "move on." To "be strong." But it is far better to press deeper into God...
This waiting is our act of worship to God.
So we wait in hopeful expectation:
"Please bless me, Lord. I have no where else to turn. I need you to act on my behalf."
All this happened quite easily and quickly, of course. No struggle. No blood, sweat, tears.
Right.
But we're there... now what?
At this point in time, God instantaneously always sends me a bullet-pointed email with 3-5 action steps that I can easily take to realize all my hopes and dreams and to resolve whatever pertains to my current life situation drama.
Right.
See, I think I would be far more comfortable with that option... or, I would love to just pretend that we never had this conversation... that those needs/wants/desires aren't there, and I am a-okay fine! But I don't think that's actually where God invites us. Rather, I think the point of desperation prayer-- of real heart-longing prayers-- is that they leave us in a place of waiting, dependence, and expectation.
"I have no where else to turn." "I cannot do this for myself." "I need you!"
I like to call this the "point of no return" because here and now, we've expressed a heart-felt deep need that we ourselves cannot meet. There's no where else we can go... it's either God or nothing... there is no back-up plan.
And so we have a choice: either we wait in hopeful expectation OR we stuff it and pretend it doesn't exist, medicate in our usual ways, and allow our unmet desires to ferment into overflowing wells of bitterade and cynicism.
There's something holy in the waiting, hard though it is...
It's far easier to stuff it. To run. To bury things like a skinny squirrel from a large family in the midst of a cold winter. To pretend that it doesn't matter. To "move on." To "be strong." But it is far better to press deeper into God...
This waiting is our act of worship to God.
So we wait in hopeful expectation:
"Please bless me, Lord. I have no where else to turn. I need you to act on my behalf."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Prayer: what do I really long for?
OK. So we pray, "God what do you want to do?"
... if you're me, it's probably super hard to pray that way, because admitting that God might have a better plan than you, even though he's God and that's a "duh," is just difficult. More so than that, submitting to his will, without knowing what it is, rather than just intellectual ascent that "oh yes, you might actually be wiser than me," is antithetical to most of us super competent control-freak types... kinda like starting a snowball fight in Florida in August. It's not that you don't want to; it's just that you're really not sure how to go about doing that, or if it's even possible...
But we've gotten there. Freak low-pressure system. Snowballs in August. We're submitting...
Now what?
Here's the crazy, absolutely nutty part of prayer... about 75% of the time, when I finally reach this point, of being willing to submit to God's will, asking him what he wants to do, he will turn the question around on me:
"OK, KG, what is it that you really long for?"
And you would think it would be an easy question to answer... right? But here's the nuance: God still isn't asking for my plan, he wants to know my heart-longing. My plan would be easy; my heart-longing requires me to trust him with my deepest desires that even I, on a real level, don't really expect to come to fruition.
But such is the nature of God: He is more concerned with being known by you and knowing you, than he is with the details and plans by which we govern and structure our lives.
Put another way: he gives us our daily bread, he covers our nakedness with garments of skin, he provides manna in the desert, and he gives marching orders for war, betrothals, and crossing the Red Sea, but that is NOT the meta-narrative of scripture and neither is it his greatest desire for our lives.
No more fig leaves. What is it that you really long for? It's a harder question than you think it is... it is NOT praying the correct prayers or finding something that sounds good or righteous... in fact, the opposite, it's about stripping off the "look good" layers and standing in our nakedness and need before God.
But when you reach that point, such are the prayers that God delights to answer... because prayers than come from that place of deep trust and vulnerability are prayers of the heart, not prayers of circumstance or fear or obligation or duty or control. Such are the prayers of a child to their Holy Father in heaven:
This is me, totally unashamed in my need, I have no where else to go, no one else to turn to for this, I cannot supply this on my own. I will still trust you, if you do not answer, but this is what I long for: Father would you hear me?
I trust you. But I'm still learning, Abba... this is hard for me.
... if you're me, it's probably super hard to pray that way, because admitting that God might have a better plan than you, even though he's God and that's a "duh," is just difficult. More so than that, submitting to his will, without knowing what it is, rather than just intellectual ascent that "oh yes, you might actually be wiser than me," is antithetical to most of us super competent control-freak types... kinda like starting a snowball fight in Florida in August. It's not that you don't want to; it's just that you're really not sure how to go about doing that, or if it's even possible...
But we've gotten there. Freak low-pressure system. Snowballs in August. We're submitting...
Now what?
Here's the crazy, absolutely nutty part of prayer... about 75% of the time, when I finally reach this point, of being willing to submit to God's will, asking him what he wants to do, he will turn the question around on me:
"OK, KG, what is it that you really long for?"
And you would think it would be an easy question to answer... right? But here's the nuance: God still isn't asking for my plan, he wants to know my heart-longing. My plan would be easy; my heart-longing requires me to trust him with my deepest desires that even I, on a real level, don't really expect to come to fruition.
But such is the nature of God: He is more concerned with being known by you and knowing you, than he is with the details and plans by which we govern and structure our lives.
Put another way: he gives us our daily bread, he covers our nakedness with garments of skin, he provides manna in the desert, and he gives marching orders for war, betrothals, and crossing the Red Sea, but that is NOT the meta-narrative of scripture and neither is it his greatest desire for our lives.
No more fig leaves. What is it that you really long for? It's a harder question than you think it is... it is NOT praying the correct prayers or finding something that sounds good or righteous... in fact, the opposite, it's about stripping off the "look good" layers and standing in our nakedness and need before God.
But when you reach that point, such are the prayers that God delights to answer... because prayers than come from that place of deep trust and vulnerability are prayers of the heart, not prayers of circumstance or fear or obligation or duty or control. Such are the prayers of a child to their Holy Father in heaven:
This is me, totally unashamed in my need, I have no where else to go, no one else to turn to for this, I cannot supply this on my own. I will still trust you, if you do not answer, but this is what I long for: Father would you hear me?
I trust you. But I'm still learning, Abba... this is hard for me.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Prayer: what do you want to do?
Ever have the feeling that you're pounding on God's door, asking for answers, and He just doesn't seem to be answering?
Yeah, me too.
But today, I had a thought-provoking realization...
What if God doesn't answer, not because He doesn't want to or because he can't hear us or cannot act, but because we're pounding on the wrong door, asking the wrong questions?
Rather than really asking Him to act, we're just asking what we should do. Reality is (often times)... we've already made up our minds, so we're not really asking him; we're just asking for validation of our own decisions. An exit stamp on our passports, if you will.
What if that's not the right question?
What if the right question is "What do you want to do here?" "Where are you at work?" "What question would you love to answer?"
"What do you want?" rather than "Here's what I want; what do you think?"
Yeah, me too.
But today, I had a thought-provoking realization...
What if God doesn't answer, not because He doesn't want to or because he can't hear us or cannot act, but because we're pounding on the wrong door, asking the wrong questions?
Rather than really asking Him to act, we're just asking what we should do. Reality is (often times)... we've already made up our minds, so we're not really asking him; we're just asking for validation of our own decisions. An exit stamp on our passports, if you will.
What if that's not the right question?
What if the right question is "What do you want to do here?" "Where are you at work?" "What question would you love to answer?"
"What do you want?" rather than "Here's what I want; what do you think?"
Friday, November 13, 2009
Adventures in Laundry
So this afternoon, walking back from the laundermat, with my suitcase full of clean clothes in tow, wearing the only things which were clean (let me assure you, not attractive), a middle-aged man and a roughly 10 year old boy drove by me...
The ten year-old, in the passenger seat, rolled down his window and yelled some variation of "hey, hottie!" and cat-called out of the van window at me.
So many things wrong with this picture.
Have mercy.
On a bright side, however, I did have an interesting conversation with the teller at the bank because she thought my suitcase full of dirty clothes was actually meant for a world-wide trip (yes, the suitcase is that big), and proceeded to tell me about her life-long love for travel and all the places she wanted to go. She looked legitimately sad for me when I told her, no no, I was just going to do my 3 weeks of laundry...
Got to love laundry day...
The ten year-old, in the passenger seat, rolled down his window and yelled some variation of "hey, hottie!" and cat-called out of the van window at me.
So many things wrong with this picture.
Have mercy.
On a bright side, however, I did have an interesting conversation with the teller at the bank because she thought my suitcase full of dirty clothes was actually meant for a world-wide trip (yes, the suitcase is that big), and proceeded to tell me about her life-long love for travel and all the places she wanted to go. She looked legitimately sad for me when I told her, no no, I was just going to do my 3 weeks of laundry...
Got to love laundry day...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
"I produce, therefore I am."
Our first response when we truly encounter God in all his holiness and ourselves in our essence is not a sense of delight but a sense of utter ruin. - JD Greer (paraphrased by me)
So this morning, I pulled out my handy dandy "Discovering the Enneagram" (Richard Rohr) book to re-evaluate, study, and attempt to continue a process of growing through, against, and into holier places in my personality, character, and core tendencies. For those of you not familiar with the Enneagram, it's well worth checking out... think improved MBTI, with hope for growth and change.
At any rate, the older I get, the more I am persuaded that I fall into one particular category... partially because I read through it and simultaneously identify with and loathe it. At once, my sin is identified, my weakness highlighted, and my battle laid forth. The lie that I believe is:
I produce, I achieve, therefore I am.
It is devastating. It's like looking in the mirror and seeing that huge zit that you knew was there but were adamantly pretending wasn't. Confrontation of reality. Yes, this is who I am. Yes, these are my core tendencies. And I'm good at it. And I'm comfortable with it.
When you look your sin in the face; when you see how far you are from holiness, the result is this sense of ruin. Utter and complete. I know it is lie. But woe is me, I still operate under these guiding principles. I am undone.
But fortunately for me, that is not the end of the story...
[They] "... long, sometimes without knowing it themselves, not only for praise and recognition, but for real love. They get so much applause for their successes that in the end they think that's all they want. It takes a long time before they understand that there is more than deserved recognition: unmerited, unconditional love." [Discovering the Enneagram, Richard Rohr]
And the beautiful part for me, is that as I look back over the last year, I can see how God has begun to write that redeemed narrative for me, where I am not defined by what I do, how much I succeed, what I can achieve, the applause of the multitudes, but by something far deeper. A type of love which is entirely unmerited, based not on what I can do, but completely unconditional. And to experience that is to long for it...
It is the freedom to fail.
It is the freedom to take risk.
It is the freedom to not be guarded, not pretend to be something that I am not.
It is the freedom to give and receive love freely.
I'm still on a journey. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. But I am not where I was a year ago... or even 6 months ago... and that's a good thing!
Here's to celebrating the little things...
So this morning, I pulled out my handy dandy "Discovering the Enneagram" (Richard Rohr) book to re-evaluate, study, and attempt to continue a process of growing through, against, and into holier places in my personality, character, and core tendencies. For those of you not familiar with the Enneagram, it's well worth checking out... think improved MBTI, with hope for growth and change.
At any rate, the older I get, the more I am persuaded that I fall into one particular category... partially because I read through it and simultaneously identify with and loathe it. At once, my sin is identified, my weakness highlighted, and my battle laid forth. The lie that I believe is:
I produce, I achieve, therefore I am.
It is devastating. It's like looking in the mirror and seeing that huge zit that you knew was there but were adamantly pretending wasn't. Confrontation of reality. Yes, this is who I am. Yes, these are my core tendencies. And I'm good at it. And I'm comfortable with it.
When you look your sin in the face; when you see how far you are from holiness, the result is this sense of ruin. Utter and complete. I know it is lie. But woe is me, I still operate under these guiding principles. I am undone.
But fortunately for me, that is not the end of the story...
[They] "... long, sometimes without knowing it themselves, not only for praise and recognition, but for real love. They get so much applause for their successes that in the end they think that's all they want. It takes a long time before they understand that there is more than deserved recognition: unmerited, unconditional love." [Discovering the Enneagram, Richard Rohr]
And the beautiful part for me, is that as I look back over the last year, I can see how God has begun to write that redeemed narrative for me, where I am not defined by what I do, how much I succeed, what I can achieve, the applause of the multitudes, but by something far deeper. A type of love which is entirely unmerited, based not on what I can do, but completely unconditional. And to experience that is to long for it...
It is the freedom to fail.
It is the freedom to take risk.
It is the freedom to not be guarded, not pretend to be something that I am not.
It is the freedom to give and receive love freely.
I'm still on a journey. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. But I am not where I was a year ago... or even 6 months ago... and that's a good thing!
Here's to celebrating the little things...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
In Gratitude
I started another blog post, complaining about something that I had seen-- an injustice committed, a human error left uncorrected-- but in the midst of it, I was struck by how entirely often I complain when I should be grateful. I point out wrongs when I should applaud qualities that are truly God-given. And I am critical when I should praise God for the good things that he is and will be doing through the situation, person, activity, or task.
Have mercy.
So, in light of that realization... and as a spiritual discipline...
Tonight, I am grateful for:
Have mercy.
So, in light of that realization... and as a spiritual discipline...
Tonight, I am grateful for:
- ... student leaders who get the mission and are 110% partners on campus
- ... students who are generous and quick to repent, who are faithful and eager to serve
- ... a boyfriend who is way wicked sweet and generous in unexpected ways
- ... a small group that has quickly moved from strangers to friends
- ... roommates who generate random giggles
- ... Tostito hint of lime potato chips
- ... working internet
- ... friends who both celebrate and cry with me (and invite me to both cry and laugh!)
- ... a job and bosses that care about how I'm doing spiritually and emotionally
- ... donors who have supported me to 91% of budget and pray for me faithfully
- ... living in a city with public transportation
- ... a sister who answers my phone calls, no matter how long it's been since I last called
- ... hot water
- ... cold weather and seeing my breathe in the air
- ... soft toilet paper
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