Confrontation and Confession, part III

So, if we look to the Old Testament, we find a guy who likewise struggled with confronting and confessing his own sin...

David was the second king of Israel… He is a warrior king, and he’s just spent a good deal of time in battle, and has been honored for that. He is a hero of Israel, but here we find him not entirely at his best…

2 Samuel 11-12:13

1 In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.

David is not where he is supposed to be! He is staying home, while his army is off fighting!

2 One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, 3 and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, "Isn't this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" 4 Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. Then she went back home. 5 The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, "I am pregnant."

David knows before he sleeps with her that she is married, and not only married, but married to a specific member of his army, who is fighting for him, while he remains at home. Now, David has an uh-oh moment… he’s messed up, husband is away at war, mama is pregnant, there’s no way to hide it, and he knows it! He sees his sin, but does not want to confront it. So, like many of us, he tries to hide it… tries to hide it three times!!

See, David’s thought here is… if Uriah sleeps with Bathsheba, then perhaps he will believe that the child is his… and my sin will be hidden, covered, and effectively gone. So he calls Uriah home from the battlefield... But Uriah does not comply with David’s desires… In fact, Uriah won’t comply with David’s wishes because he says “why would I do that, when my men are out fighting?” In other words, he says no, for the very reason that David is in this mess to begin with… So David tries again. And when that fails, David has Uriah killed. And at this point, he succeeds... 2 Samuel 11:26-27 tells us:

26 When Uriah's wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. 27 After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the LORD.

Like many of us, David thinks that he has gotten away with his little fling, little sin, little mistake. He has effectively hidden from his sin. But God has not missed it! The same is true for us… even when we think we hide our sins well, God does not miss them.

Sin does not go away when we hide from it or hide it.

Instead, often God sends people into our lives to confront us in our sin. Or, he sends us into the lives of those around us, to call them out in their sins…

Enter Nathan, Prophet Extraordinaire.

Nathan does not cut corners, or try and minimize David’s sin. He lays it out, completely, honestly, and in a very straightforward manner. He doesn’t hint, he doesn’t play around, he just confronts the wrong.

I love the story of David and Nathan because it paints a beautiful picture of confrontation and confession of sin… but it also lays out some great principles for loving confrontation:

First, Nathan is following the Holy Spirit. He goes because God sends him. You and I both know that gentle nudging which says “you should really talk to her”… “maybe you should bring that up in small group”… “maybe avoiding him isn’t the best way to deal with this situation…”

Second, Nathan creates a moment… some of us are tempted to wait for the opportune time, and there are definitely times for that, but Nathan creates a scenario (his tale of the rich and the poor man) in which he can lovingly confront David on the issues at hand, by speaking his language, and communicating in a way that was non-threatening.

Third, Nathan speaks the truth in a way that is straightforward and honest. He has his facts straight, but he doesn’t mince or soft peddle the issues. He directly confronts. But he does so in humility, and with kindness.

Finally, Nathan has clout to say what he does. He’s God’s prophet, sent to David, and has had interactions with David over the past few years. He has credibility.

Confrontation and Confession, part II

So, let’s delve into this a bit deeper…the word confrontation stems from the Latin for “foreheads together” literally meaning to turn and face head on.

When we talk about admitting that we’re wrong, the word we use is “confession” which also stems from the Latin, meaning “together to admit.” Interestingly enough, both of these are things which necessitate community or togetherness.

So confronting and confessing sin, merely means to turn and face our sins and admit that they are sin, together.

So, in one sense, confrontation and confession are incredibly practical things, right? They make sense… we kind of know what they are! Yet, how do they fit in with forgiveness? And why are they necessary to do??

I did a lot of childcare during college, and I remember one particular instance when I was sitting for a family with three sons… we were fixing dinner or something like that, and the three year old walked up behind me, smiling, non-aggressively, and then, in a split second, took a bite out of my hindquarters. And then, still smiling, backed away, sweetly smiled and said “I’m sorry….” Really, I do not think he was sorry at all… but he knew that that was the “right” way to smooth things over…

Unfortunately, many times now as adults, we handle conflicts in much the same way… we shove the truth under the rug and try to smooth things over… never confronting that what was wrong was wrong. And we are unwilling to admit when we’re wrong. We think that if we pretend, then the sin or junk which is clogging our friendships will just disappear…

You know this scenario… maybe you and your roommate haven’t spoken in weeks, because your roommate hasn’t picked up her clothes in three months… or maybe you haven’t picked up your clothes in three months… but neither one of you wants to address it.

… a friend said or did something that was really hurtful to you… but you didn’t say anything, because you didn’t want to rock the boat, and now it really will take global warming to melt those icecaps on the relationship… but since you’re only talking about the weather, it’s totally fine.

… or maybe it was you… you broke trust, you said something hurtful, you did not do what you said you would do… but instead of owning your junk, you’re just avoiding the other person.

But, how do we ask for forgiveness, if we cannot admit that there is something wrong? How can we forgive, unless we are likewise, admitting that there is broken relationship involved?

Here’s the truth: Sin is not like graham cracker crumbs! It does not stay under the carpet! It’s not like “cleaning your room” by pushing your junk under your bed… Unless we are willing to deal with the fact that there IS junk, we cannot really offer forgiveness or be a real community.

So the question for you and me is… are we willing to turn and face our sin, or call others to face their sin, and confess it together… or will we continue sweeping crumbs under the carpet, hiding boxes in our closets, and shedding relationships along the way?

Confronting and Confessing, part I

**This is an excerpt from the talk that I gave earlier tonight on confronting and confessing sin as a community**

Confrontation and confession means simply this, coming face to face with our junk, or turning to face our friends in their junk… it means seeing the junk, and calling it what it is… sin.

Sin is, very simply, broken relationship… between you and God, between us, between you and others.

We cannot get rid of it on our own. So confession of it means together admitting that we need Jesus to rid us of the brokenness. Together, asking for forgiveness…

The vision for InterVarsity this year has been to be a missional community of grace which follows Jesus into raw, intentional, and transformational relationship in order to bless the campus.

And because we’ve stated it, we’re started to feel a holy hunger for it. And some of you, I’m willing to bet, have been quite frustrated by that… because you want raw and real, but you feel like you just find cleaned-up and concealed.

Just look at this poster up here and all the dots that are on it, saying: “I or someone I know cannot admit when they are wrong or confront someone who has wronged them.” My friends, this poster accurately reflects the fact that it is hard for us to be raw or intentional! And part of that is… it’s hard for us to admit when we’re wrong or weak… and equally hard for us to confront others when they’ve hurt us.

If we want to be a community that is raw, intentional and transformational, that begins by learning how to be a community which practices forgiveness, which develops a culture of honesty, openness and brokenness. We first have to learn how to live as a body, not as individuals….

When Paul writes to the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 12:12-13, 21-27, he uses the metaphor of the body to describe the church… telling the Corinthians,

12The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. 13For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

In other words, what Paul is saying here is… we are all fundamentally part of the same body. We belong together. If there is something going on in one part, it affects every part.

If one of your legs has gangrene, why would it not send pain impulses to the brain, so that the rest of the body could help it recover? But, many times, we do exactly that… we’re struggling with sin or we see someone struggling with sin and our reaction is “heal yourself” or “I’ll take care of it myself.” Paul has pretty harsh words there… He says,

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

This is completely counter-cultural… we live in a society which says, “your junk is your junk.” Even our vocabulary emphasizes keeping our stuff “personal:” we talk about personal computers, personal issues, personal space, and personal history.

Our culture tells us that it’s none of our business to care about what goes on in a friend’s personal life.

Our culture tells us that it’s judgmental for us to even think about confronting someone else.

Our culture tells us that it’s safer and better to just minimize conflict, and only deal with the issues if you have to.

What Paul is saying here is radical to our culture! He’s telling us that we need to change our mentality from that of individual to community. What affects your roommate, matters to you because you are members of the same body. When a relationship is torn and broken, it affects the health of the body in the same way that a torn ligament would affect the physical body... we are the body. This is why we are called to confront others who have wronged us and to communally admit when we’re wrong!

Listening

Kleenex runs these great ads on TV... there is a large hideous blue couch in the middle of crowded street, and the attendant of the couch invites passers by to sit down and chat for a bit, providing them with an outlet to talk about whatever is going on in their lives and "let it out" to a listening ear, a strong shoulder, and a nice soft Kleenex.

People stop by and weep. Share their deepest secrets. Laugh. Shout. Cry.

The statement at the end of the commercial is profound: everyone just needs someone to listen.

In a culture that moves faster than a flying lemur on steroids...
A culture which is deeply achievement-based...
A culture which preaches self-sufficiency and complete togetherness...
A culture which is constantly yelling, speaking, debating... which is profoundly noisy and busy
A culture which denies and defames dependency...

Everyone just needs someone to listen.

Profound.

What would happen if we listened more and talked less? What would we learn? What kind of people would we be? What kind of culture would we create?

Maybe listening, rather than shouting, is really the best way to be heard.

Profound.

Hygiene

Best quote of the week...

"I don't really have hygiene. It's more like lowgiene."

O to Grace...

As I was walking from my bus stop to the student union the other day, I found myself humming the song, "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and for some reason, the words of the third verse struck me in a way that they had not before... The verse begins :

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be;
Let that grace now like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:

Let me unpack that for you, just a bit:

Grace: free and unmerited favor; being credited something you don't deserve.
Debtor: one who owes something; one who has received what he has not yet paid for
Constrained: held back, forced, required to be
Fetter: shackles or leg irons for the feet or ankles.

In other words, the songwriter is stating, "Each and every day, I have no choice but to receive favor which is not something that I can earn or establish on my own. I cannot survive without your grace. I am unable to exist without your grace. Even though I try on my own, I find myself, at the end of every day, a debtor to your grace."

Every day, I meet with students who are trying desperately to earn God's favor. And, who am I kidding, if I don't say that I am also in that boat. I do everything in my power to be pleasing to God... sometimes for worthy means, other times, because I really do think that I have the capacity to earn his favor.

Please don't think I'm being masochistic. I do think that our actions can be pleasing to God. My point is this: in no way, shape or form, can we live perfect enough lives to sanctify ourselves... our best, is never going to be enough to make us clean. The Israelites tried for years, through sacrifices and burnt offerings to purify themselves. And they had to continue sacrificing, because their best was never enough...

We can live lives which reflect a tiny portion of God's holiness, but we can never BE fully holy, in the absence of Christ. Each day, we fall. And each day, we depend on God's grace for the cleansing of our sins, giving us the ability to claim our status as his heirs, sons and daughters.

What the songwriter is suggesting is that our debt to grace-- our inability to live perfect enough lives-- should serve to bring us back to Christ. In other words, our dependence on grace should not disgust us... it should not be something that we are ashamed of. But rather, our dependence on grace is what binds our hearts unto God, what draws us in, what wraps us in His embrace, yet again.

Am I willing to do that? Instead of shame and guilt over my falls, my slips, my weaknesses which make me need grace more, can I see those as things which make me depend on God?

Can I see my need for grace as a good thing? And freely cry out with the songwriter, "let that grace now, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee..."

Resting

Sometimes, I think God knows that I don't pay much attention to large billboard messages that I need to rest. I'm often cruising along at 70-80 miles an hour, barely noticing the scenery, and never stopping on the scenic overpasses. In fact, I only remember one time that I actually stopped on one of those... it was distinct enough to be memorable. But that being a side note...

The point being, I barrel through life with hardly a moment's rest... and God often has to use more drastic measures to get my attention.

Enter: the flu.

Despite every part of my body aching, nose running, and temperatures oscillating, until this morning, I attempted to persuade myself that it was merely allergies. Around 1:44pm, my body finally let me in on the memo that in fact this was the flu, and it would really prefer not to be up or active. I participated in a phenomena known as "Crash and Burn."

And yet, every part of me wants to rebel. There is laundry to be done, a talk to write, emails to send, fun to be had, and vacuuming, yes vacuuming, to be done.

I've been reading "The Spiritual Disciplines Handbook" (Calhoun) lately, for part of my quiet time... and a few days ago, I hit the chapter on observing Sabbath, as a method of worship. The opening quote says,

"Sabbath is not dependent upon our readiness to stop. We do not stop when we are finished. We do not stop when we complete our phone calls, finish our project, get through this stack of messages, or get out this report that is due tomorrow. We stop because it is time to stop."(Wayne Muller)

As I read that again today, I was struck by this idea that rest is worship. That rest is designed. And that rest is something that I need more of. Calhoun goes on to say,

"Rhythmically, the sabbath reminds us that we belong to the worldwide family of God. We are citizens of another kingdom-- a kingdom not ruled by the clock and the tyranny of the urgent. God's sabbath reality calls us to trust that the Creator can manage all that concerns us in this world as we settle into his rest."

In other words, God designed us to need rest. To rest in his ability to manage the dragons of our lives. To rest in the fact that He is sovereign. To enjoy His presence in peace and quiet. Sabbath is not about rules, regulations, or forbidden behaviors, but about God calling us to rest in His presence. Quite simply put, rest is an act of worship, dwelling in the presence of I Am, and freely admitting that we need Him. It is arrogant and foolish for us (read: me) to strive to be God, to fail to rest, to depend so entirely on my ability to do that I forget what it means merely to be.

And yes, God can even use the flu as a method of communicating that lesson to a very stubborn daughter!

Down with Dook (and coffee?)

So, tomorrow will be a monumental day.

On the 6th of February 2008:

Not only will UNC utterly annihilate Dook (which is a duh concept)...

... but, in observation of Ash Wednesday, and Lent... drumroll please...

After one final breakfast Cup o' Joe... I, Kristen, will be giving up coffee for the duration of Lent.

Hold your applause, please.

Lent is 40 days long... good gravy to Moses, what in a blue (Carolina blue, of course) moon am I doing?

Bucket List

My version of the list of things I wish to do before I "kick the bucket" (although by no means comprehensive):

If you would care to help bring any of these dreams to fruition, do let me know. :-)

• Visit every continent
• Become fluent in seven languages
  
• Go skydiving
• Be featured in a Wikipedia article
• Be the inspiration for a song
• Run a marathon
• Get married
• Open a coffee shop
• Spend time living in eastern Europe
• Ride a camel
• Be published
• Learn how to moonwalk
• Convert to a Macintosh
  
• Write my memoirs
• Get dreadlocks
  
• and many more which I have yet to determine...
  

Wrestling with Giants

The Giants just need to run the clock, and keep the Patriots from scoring. Perhaps Scott will win his bet after all, and the Patriots will not finish a perfect, undefeated season...

Football has never been an issue of fascination for me. It's fun to play, and I actually understand the difficulty and pleasure in playing it. But, watching it does not hold the same fascination for me.

Really, men in tight pants knocking each other over? Yes, yes, I know, there is more to it than that. But, really?

Patriots now lead by 4 points. Things are heating up kids...

On to other topics...

A few days ago, I gave a talk on the role of women in ministry... often a confusing subject. I spoke to women about the Bible affirming their role in the Body as indispensable. I spoke to them about the Bible affirming female leaders throughout scripture, both Old and New Testaments. But I did not give them an easy answer to what roles women could or could not hold. And I am okay with that. In fact, I intended for the talk to raise questions that I did not answer. Not because I do not have answers for the questions. Not because I have not thought through the answers to the questions; in fact, I feel well-grounded in actually answering them.

One of the things which I have realized over the years, is that I cannot give an easy answer to the hard questions. Or even a hard answer to hard questions. I cannot persuade people of things to which they are not ready to be persuaded. To a certain degree, all I can do is provide enough evidence for them to draw their own conclusions. And don't get me wrong; there are times and places for giving hard answers and easy answers, without the "draw your own conclusions" part. In fact, there are a lot of those times. But sometimes we're too quick to give the "right" answer, without letting others wrestle through the issues on their own.

In the Old Testament, a man named Jacob (which means 'heel-grabber,' implying illicit means for gaining a reward) was renamed Israel (meaning, 'he who wrestles with God'). This was considered a really good, strong, honorable name. Israel became the name of God's people. And they were led forth in the strength of Israel, father of a nation. Jacob became Israel, because he wrestled with God. He would not have become the man that He was, had he not met the living God, and had a fist-to-fist wrestling match on the side of a river.

There are times in which we are not called to wrestle with truth... in which what we know to be true is presented to us on a silver-platter-easy-to-digest. Yet, profoundly, the lessons which we deeply learn are the lessons through which we have had to wrestle, in order to reach the our true conclusions. The process of wrestling is half of learning the lesson. Sometimes, we're too quick to want to give people the easy answer. To solve their dilemmas. To write off their struggles, or alleviate their questions. Yet sometimes, those questions-- that process of wrestling-- is fundamentally necessary to their ability to learn the lesson.

Do not be afraid to allow people to struggle with God... or with truth. The great news which we have is this: God wins! Hope wins! Truth wins!

... or in the case of the Superbowl, the Giants lay the smack down. Well done, men!