Naked and Unashamed

Can I be really honest?

The past few weeks have been pretty hard for me, because my world has felt very out of control. I have seen my own insufficiency in stark reality. I have often felt like I've failed. Fear has been rampant. I have often felt like a disappointment. And my identity has also felt very foreign, as if I am trying to put on a wool sweater, only to find that it has shrunk in the dryer and, like the Grinch's grouchy heart, is now two sizes too small. Five gazillion transitions in a span of 3 months will do that to you occasionally.

"Me" doesn't seem to fit. It's easier to try and "fit in," than to be fully "me." But that too feels uncomfortable, because at the end of the day, I'm only good at being me. Trying to be someone else or something else other than myself feels like wearing a swimsuit in place of panties... which inevitably always ends up wedging itself in very uncomfortable places. Not a good fit either. So, I find myself caught in the middle.

And, I'm realizing more and more, that some of this disconnect (although certainly not all) comes from a very deep inner sense of unhealthy and non-Godly shame. See, "guilt" says, "I've done something wrong," but shame is much more insidious. "Shame" says, "there's something innately wrong with me," "I have failed, I have let people down, I have not lived up to their expectations, they must see me as a failure, I am not enough."

And whenever I relocate to a new place, new culture, new city and feel the disconnect of transition and change, trying to figure out exactly how things fit together, my own shame and sense of deep inadequacy rises the surface. In the awkwardness of trying to find my place in a new environment, I immediately question my "right" to be in that place. And the volume of the lies in my head gets amped up a bit. "Worthless." "Failure." "Without form, without identity, without distinction." "Who are you, anyhow?"

Satan's favorite attack on me is one of shame: "You are a worthless failure and unable to please God. You dishonor his name." And it is highly successful far too often: it is crippling when I buy into that lie.

But friends, here's the truth: Satan's attack is so highly successful because it is built on a basis of partial truth. I am unable to please God. I am inept at what I do. I will fail inevitably. But Satan's attack is thwarted by a simple recognition of the Gospel. Here's the good news for me today...

I have value not because of anything I do or am, but because God has conferred value to me by making me, as a unique daughter, His. I am worthy not because of what I do or am, but because God has made me worthy through Jesus. I cannot, but the Holy Spirit can, and He merely asks that I request his presence and power. My failure does not change my worth because at the end of the day, it's not about me. And friends, that is GOOD NEWS.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, because my power is made perfect through weakness."

So friends, here I stand, "naked and unashamed" allowing my "messiness" to hang out, because at the end of the day, shame has no place in the already-but-not-yet kingdom of God. And I need those words of truth to speak louder than the lies that I all too often believe.

Orange and Red

In the fall, the colors are beautiful... if only I stopped to admire them frequently!

Hail to the.... Lord.

You know, as I was doing a quick browse-through of facebook statuses this morning, I was amazed by the bipolarity of emotions represented... everything from "This spells the demise of the world" and "I'm moving to Canada" to "This is the best day of my life" and "For the first time, I'm proud to be an American." Really, it shouldn't have shocked me... but at the same time, it did startle me to see the vehemence of the reactions... allow me to explain:

See, I knew that at the end of the day, we would elect a new president. It might or might not be the one that I wanted (or that you wanted). And, in January, he or she would be officially inaugurated into office. And he or she would enact policies with the attempt of making America a better nation. And he or she would have a combination of successes and failures, really good policies and really lousy ones. These are givens, regardless of which candidate ended up trumping the vote at the end of the day. That's the job of a president.

But, for many people, the election was not merely about electing a president, a political figurehead, who would make decisions through the secular political machinery, through their own human wisdom (and that of their wiser advisers) determining the pivotal next steps for the nation... for many people, this election was about "a hope for the future," "a savior for the nation," "redeeming the American reputation," and finding "the answer to our prayers."

I think President-Elect Obama should paraphrase the words of Coach Herman Boone in the 2000 film, "Remember the Titans,"

"No wait. I’m not the answer to your prayers. I’m not a saviour or Jesus Christ or Martin Luther King or the Easter Bunny. I’m just your [President] that’s all.”

As of November 5, 2008, we have a President-Elect. His name is Barack Obama. And as members of the nation, we should stand behind him, as a bipartisan electorate, committed to bettering the nation through democratic process, which includes disagreement. Hatred and disengagement gets us nowhere.

We also have a Savior for the nation. They are not one and the same. But neither is his name John McCain. And until we look to Jesus for our hope for the future, to be the Savior of the nation, the answer to our prayers, and the redemption of America, we will always be disappointed.

Can we just reassign roles? Here's my suggestion:

Let's call Barack Obama "President" and let's call Jesus "Savior."

Standing in line, to see the show tonight...

... or to vote for our new political leaders... same thing.

So great is our angst to "get out the vote," that Starbucks is giving me free coffee, and Ben and Jerry's is giving me free ice cream, just for voting. News flash, America, I would have done it anyhow. But I appreciate the bribery! :-)

Standing in line this morning, to cast my vote, I was struck by a few things:

1) Like it or not, informed or not, best choices or not, in the US of A, the people do have a voice. The people I was standing in line with may or may not have actually known anything about the candidates that they were voting for except "change" and "experience," but come what may, their votes actually play a role in determining who our next leaders are... and that in and of itself is a beautiful thing that we often neglect to applaud sufficiently.

2) I was amazed by how many races were un-contended. Having done my research like the educated voter that I am, I knew there were a couple candidates that I could not support, but they were the only ones that were running for that particular office. For all our political passions and enthusiasm, we are personally apathetic... is it really democracy, if the candidate is basically a shoe in? Is it really "voting" if there is no second party? or, heaven forbid, third party?

3) In the course of one five minute session, I got to vote on whether or not MA should abolish the income tax, whether marijuana use should be de-criminalized, and whether dog racing should be banned. There are days in which I love living in this state.

For all the schmooze, "voters" are ordinary people... ordinary people who accidentally lean on the light switches on the wall, casting the entire voting auditorium into darkness, multiple times... ordinary people who live next door to me... ordinary people who care deeply enough to stand in line for 45 minutes to an hour to cast their ballot... ordinary people, who as they walk into the ballot box are still looking for wisdom and "truth." Ordinary people who just want to see our country become a better place, even though they might disagree on the mechanism for getting there... such is a beautiful thing, my friends! And for that reason, I applaud democracy. I applaud election day. And as much as I hate politicians, I applaud the political system, in that it forces us to use our voices to speak in favor of a "better USA."

Go team. Let the games begin...