I assume that...?

I love assumptions.

"she wouldn't want to..."
"he'd think it was silly..."
"well what they really mean must be..."
"everyone thinks that..."
"he must be that way because..."

Now, let's be frank: most assumptions are based on some form of logical rationale. That rationale might be as weak as "Well, he's male, and I'm female, ergo, he must be flirting with me when he says 'hello' when he answers the phone!" But typically, there is some basis of truth for our assumptions. The problem is that the truth is typically only half-truth, and our assumptions also come with two detrimental side-effects:

1) They limit the person about whom you are making the assumption.
2) They limit you in your ability to relate to the other person.

Let me give you two examples...

I am currently in the process of doing support raising for my job, which means that I often have to sit down with potential donors, and ask them to join my support team, supporting me in prayer and financially if possible. There are often very loud voices in my head that say "They don't want to give. You're offending them by asking." Now there is some basis of truth in that mental accusation: money is a touchy subject. Sometimes people don't want to give. But more often than not, my donors are really excited to support the ministry with InterVarsity. Often times, they are waiting for me to invite them into partnership. If I operate based on my assumptions, I limit my donors' generosity, and I limit the depth of my own relationship with them. I place them in boxes that are perhaps not accurate.

Secondly, let's talk about men and women. All too often I see both men and women making assumptions about the other person's behavior... and either getting wigged-out or uncharacteristically excited... "I think she likes me!" "I don't know if I can co-lead with her, because I'm afraid that she'll get a crush on me!" "I can't hang out with him, because he might get the wrong impression..." "So because he did ____, I know that he meant ____!" Again, there is some basis of truth: men tend to be attracted to women; women tend to be attracted to men. However, when we automatically assume that there is sexual tension in any cross-gendered relationships, we severely limit our ability to relate across genders... we sell ourselves short of the other person's friendship... and we lose our ability to relate wholly to the other person.

So can I offer you a gift?

Take this week entirely assumption free. Give yourself the freedom, especially cross-gender, to relate to the other person as a friend, without worrying about sexual tension, flirting, or anything else. Instead of insinuating and hoping the other person "gets it," speak truthfully and say what you mean! Allow the other person the freedom to define themselves, rather than limiting them with your self-imposed boxes...

And this is the promise that I will make to you in return:

I will always tell you what I mean.
I do not play games.
I try to operate assumption-free.
When I am in doubt about what you mean, I will ask you, rather than assume that I know.

There is great freedom in operating without assumptions. Try it. You'll like it!