Anal Retentive

This will be short, because I should either (a) finish working on my talk or (b) go to bed, but instead, I find myself blogging. I'm reading a book called "Perfecting Ourselves to Death" by Richard Winter. Somewhat dry, as any good book by a perfectionist should be. Anyhow, if you're anywhere near as immature as I am, I'm sure you'll enjoy this selection from the chapter I read last night (p.118-119):

"Freud believed that perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive tendencies are caused by what he called a "fixation" at the anal stage of life (18 mo to 3 yrs)... when the parents are anxious that the child should be potty trained. In the anal stage, children begin to realize that they have some control over when and where they empty their bowels. Freud believed that the characteristics of the obsessive, retentive, miserly type of person were rooted in the child's ability to control his parents by holding everything in while on the pot."

Hence the origin of the phrase "anal retentive." So, if you're any degree of perfectionist (like me)... be sure to ask your parents about that. :-) Or you can just throw it off as Freudian crap... pun totally intended.

I love that I find myself funny. I apologize profusely if you do not share that sentiment.

Self-Deceived

their sin makes me angry,
vindictive, self-righteous.
"don't you realize you are deceiving yourself?"
but inside, there issues forth
a gentle pause:
"what if you're angry, because in their sin
you see mirrored, yours?"

i don't like that gentle reminder.
because at heart, it gently rings true.
"i am self-deceived in that way too."
i deny, i reject, i protect,
and i convince myself that
it is not so.
have mercy on me, dear Lord.

let truth shine forth-- what is dark
illumined.
i too am self-deceived:
i seek to remove the speck,
ignoring my own plank swinging still.

show me. teach me. mold me.
let truth reign, even there.
deception fall away,
truth spoken, heard, felt, even there...
for the truth will set us free,
and it is for freedom that we believe.

come sister, brother, let us go together
closer to the heart of God.

Glistening Ice

Beautiful. In a word, both deadly and live-giving. By definition, ice.

Story time...

Everyone has a story.

Every story has a tragedy.
Every story has comedy.
Every story has unexpected twists that make it fascinating.
Every story has a secret or hidden element.
Every story has an element of fantasy and a dose of reality.

Every story needs an ending.

And let me tell you, there are some totally intriguing and fascinating stories out there. Some are adventures, some have plot twists every few chapters, some are horror stories, some seem haphazardly written, some are perfectly spell checked and seemingly without flaw, some even come with crazy pictures. But everyone has a story.

Our stories fill out the details as to why we are the ways that we are. Our stories give depth and wealth to our experiences and personalities. And yet, as I write this, I wonder, how many people do we tell our stories to?

Who knows your story?
Who knows my story?
Who is in your story?
Who is writing your story?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm reading a book entitled, "Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?" by Dwight L. Carlson, M.D., the subtext of which is "helping (not hurting) those with emotional difficulties."

While I'm not sure that I fully agree with all of us his conclusions (thus far), I think he does hit on some interesting points. He talks a lot about the frequent "christian" response to brokenness, particularly emotional brokenness...

• You must be sinning or you wouldn't feel this way ("it's just a sin problem")
• No one who is right with the Lord has a nervous breakdown ("just get right with God")
• 71% (in a public opinion survey) believed that mental illness was the result of emotional weakness; 45% said it was the victims fault ("you should be able to fix it yourself")
• Those who are right with God are not supposed to be broken, especially not emotionally. To a certain degree, this is the "health and wealth" gospel in its most insidious form ("what the hell is wrong with you?")
  
• Jesus should be all that you need ("you're clearly not depending on Him enough")

Interesting. And convicting. What is striking to me, is how quickly we want to fix others weaknesses or brokenness. Brokenness, particularly emotional, is seen as inappropriate for the kingdom of God. And I wonder... why is this? Do we not believe Jesus when he says,

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mt. 9:11-13)

Or Paul, when he writes God's response to him,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Seems to me that broken, messed up, emotionally damaged people are precisely the ones that Jesus would have hanging out around his kingdom. Yet somehow we seem to miss that fact, as we look for leaders who are perfect, church-members who are whole, and lay-leaders who do not struggle. I think in the process, we miss the Kingdom.

The church, the parachurch, the body of Jesus is made up of broken people who see their own sin and need for a Savior. Those who admit their own brokenness and are daily seeking wholeness see their need for a Savior far clearer than those who are "together."

Jesus' moment of glory was not when he performed great miracles or read from the place of honor in the tabernacle. His greatest moment of glory was when he in his greatest weakness died on a criminal's cross, in submission to the Father. His final question recorded in the book of Matthew is:

"Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani? My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mt. 27:46)

Ask Jesus where he would be, how he would respond to those who are weak, broken, diseased? My guess is that his response to the wounded would be, "I know your pain, I have experienced your grief. I am sitting here beside you in this. You are not alone. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Mt. 11:28).

And his second response would be, "My kingdom is made up of such as these."

The church is made up of strugglers. We should be more concerned when our leaders seemingly cease to have sin to confess, or brokenness necessitating a Savior.

Made for: κοινωνία

The word "community," stemming from the Latin, "Communio" means "sharing in common." The Greek equivalent, "κοινωνία" which is often translated "fellowship" is the same word, incidentally, that is used to describe the sacrament of "Communion." We use the word community often times when we want to describe relationships of a deeper level...

Confession? I'm not so good at being in real community. This sharing all things in common bit terrifies me, if we're being real. I often times run from vulnerability and/or interdependence, preferring insulation from hard questions, isolation from prying eyes, and independence from others (please note that they all start with "i") to the beauty (and risk) of being known. Leave the risk, put back the vulnerability, I'll just have a serving of straight up one-sided shallow relationships please. Hold the ketchup, just the fries, please. Not healthy. We're working on that, I promise, but I'm just being real. It's a daily decision to re-commit...

In the last few weeks, I've spent a lot of time thinking about and talking about this idea of "community." And as I've been thinking about it, I've come to a pretty bold conclusion, which I may re-think after I type it, but for the moment, I'm going to just go ahead and go there:

Most good and holy changes take place in the context of a community of some nature. And those changes always result in/pull us towards deeper relationship, both with God and others.

Most negative changes or "growths" pull us away from deeper relationship and often times occur in the absence of community or in a twisted and distorted form of community.

Isolated individualism tends to result in either apathy and staidness or negative change and recession.

I haven't tested this out, nor have I thought through all the scenarios out there, so feel free to help me figure out where I'm wrong. I'm sure I've probably missed something...

But if I'm right... wouldn't that be terrifying, amazing, wonderful and terrible at the same time?

I'll just go ahead and connect the dots: it might just say that we were made for community. That there is something inherent in our DNA, that like a plant dies without water, we die/wilt/wither without healthy community.