man, I feel like a woman.

I am a very independent and competent woman. Almost to a fault, but not quite. And as such, often times it is assumed that I can take care of myself, that I don't need to be treated like a lady or, worst case scenario, that I will eat anyone alive who tries to help me out. Freshman year of college, that might have been the case, but thankfully my guy friends and Carolyn staged an intervention. Thank you, again.


At any rate, because of this, sometimes it's rare for me to be treated like a lady or have someone express concern for my well-being. I take full blame for that; I give off an aura that I don't need it. But all the same, it's still a pleasant surprise when it occurs.

I was reminded of this last night, when one of my guy friends expressed concern for me making it home alright, walking alone at a late hour. To me, I have to do this every night, and have really only felt nervous twice (ask me about the bicycle riding banshee), so I don't even think about it anymore. But in his words, "twice is twice too many times." That genuine concern and even chivalrousness of offering to walk me home, way out of his way, meant a lot. I was thinking about this last night, and two things really stuck out to me:

1) I am grateful for the gentlemanly men in my life. Really. Even though I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't necessarily need help, it means a ton when it's offered freely. Gentlemanliness is entirely different from chauvinistic imposition of power, and does not minimize my feminine strength, but blesses it with masculine strength and concern. I am grateful for you guys and I need to tell you that more often. Thank you.

2) It is a spiritual discipline for me to depend on other people. I have spent my entire life training myself to be independent, and I am good at it. I actually need to allow people to help me, care for me, or express care and concern for me. This is hard. I push back against it. And I am scared of it. But ultimately, we are called to interdependent- needing one another- not independent. This has been my lesson of the year, and I think will continue to be...

That's all for now.

when what is obscure becomes clear

Hiked Franconia Ridge Line over Memorial Day weekend with some friends... it poured for the first 2 miles up, and the view was completely obscured by lots and lots of clouds... but as we hit the ridge line, summiting Mt. Lafayette, the clouds began to break.

There is nothing quite like that moment, when what is obscure becomes clear.
Take the metaphor as far as you like.

I think sometimes this is why there are clouds in our lives. So that we are more in awe, more astonished, and overjoyed, when we see the view, for the first time, clearly. Otherwise, we (and by this I mean "I") would take it for granted.

signs of the times

Best theological question thus far this week:

Does (or can) the Holy Spirit work or exist via facebook or gchat?

In reference to Matthew 18:20 "for where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

Such is our generation, friends. Such is our generation.

My question is: what would the Holy Spirit put on a facebook profile or gchat status message? Not sure that I want to go there, but... oh wait... I just did.

NO credit card accepted here.

Life is funny at times.

This past weekend, Boston was host to a Project Bread "Walk for Hunger." Some of my students and friends walked the 20 miles and I was a financial sponsor for a few people walking it. It's a great cause, and I was really excited to be able to support!

And then tonight, as I was walking to a campus, a homeless man holding left-over fliers from the walk asked if I would be willing to give him a few dollars, quipping that it was for an "post-event dinner" from the walk for hunger. I smiled and shook his hand, looked in his eyes, said truthfully "I am so sorry, I have no cash." He thanked me for my smile and handshake, and I walked away.

Same cause, middle man eliminated.

We are funny people at times. We prefer to keep our hands clean while "fighting for a cause." It is much safer to give money to a cause than to a person. It is much more sanitary and clean-cut to donate electronically than to give of our time or to a buy a burger for someone. We like pictures of needy people, but given our druthers, in real life, we find our shoelaces far more attractive than their faces.

I claim no superiority here. I am guilty as charged. And I don't fully know what the right answer, the right way to care well is... to give money directly or not... to buy a hamburger or not... to sit and talk or not... Is it enabling or is it helping? Is it dangerous to me or loving to them? I'm wrestling. I don't know. I think in some ways it's both and. There's a lot that I don't know; that I'm still wrestling to rest comfortably in.

But I do know this much: the very very least that I can do, is lift my eyes from my shoelaces and look my brothers and sisters in the eyes, and smile. The very least that I can do is treat them like human beings, not just objects along the road.

the cost

"then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." - matthew 16:24-25

security. safety. the known.
all the things which protect me,
the fig leaves that i wear:
friends, family, reputation, the known
the comfortable.
not bad necessarily, of themselves,
but a sorry excuse for following God.

what has it cost me, to follow this Jesus?
to shed my fig leaves and say yes:
wherever, whatever, whenever?

it has cost me my conditions, set to the side now-
my following cannot be dependent on companionship,
comfort, security, or "my plan A."

it has cost me me financial and personal independence-
no more maverick for me.
each year, humbled, dependent on the generosity of others.
utterly dependent, no safety net, no chance to claim self-sufficiency.
sometimes, what could have been still haunts.

it has cost me my proximity to friends, and family, my comfort, my culture-
1000 miles away from home...
don't let me lie and tell you it's always been easy.
i had good, even great, community,
but God had bigger plans.

it cost me respect from my secular authority, people i wanted to please-
"why are you throwing away your life-
so talented, so smart! you could do anything...
why this?"
if Christ is not risen, then it is utter foolishness:
it's hard to appear a fool.

my life, my plans, my identity, forever to be molded by his hands.
is it painful at times? absolutely.
is it worth it? absolutely.

lay down your life.
take up your cross and follow me.
what is my cross?
compassion and care for the lost,
a dedication to point them to Jesus,
regardless of the personal cost.
my life, identity, plans,
laid entirely in his hands.
my burden: truth, prayer, discernment,
exercised under his authority.
my gifts, my praise, my honor,
offered to him alone.

my life... lost... left alongside the road.
costly, yes.
worth it, yes.

for whosoever loses his life for me,
shall find it.
fuller.
more whole.
deeper, more vivacious, alive.
worth it.