the death of a mouse

For the last three weeks, my room has smelled somewhat questionably odious. Somewhat like a combination of wet sneakers and dried blood and dirty animal fur, with a few rotten eggs thrown in for good measure. It reeked.

And last night, I discovered the source of the rank odor.

See, I had lost an earplug, so I was reaching down behind my bed (between the bed and the wall) where it is very dark and dusty, to attempt to find said earplug. Since I could not see particularly well, I was running my hand along the floor board, navigating by feel... [note to self: bad idea].

And then, my hand touched something soft and somewhat squishy. Life-like, if you will. Except very much not so.

After briefly succumbing to my weak stomach and hatred for all things small and dead that involuntarily leads to screaming ever so quickly, but oh so girlishly, I pulled out my cell phone light to investigate the soft small form of my formerly furry friend, Rasputin. Yes, in fact dead and now three weeks into the decomposition process under my bed. Ashes to ashes, dust unto dust. Or in this case, entrails now leaving the body and mingling with the dust on my floor. Rest in peace, Rasputin. Please take your insides with you next time. Yuck.

G.R.O.S.S.

But as I reflected upon this, I was struck again by how something so small which is dead and rotten, can pollute such a large space with such a large odor, yet remain so hidden, until you dig down into the dark and dusty places.

And from that, how like our sin this is... we know that something smells, we can see the ways in which it permeates our lives and relationships in not-so-delightful ways, but we often miss the root of it, because it is so deeply hidden in dark and dusty places. Or, worse, we become so accustomed to the stench, that we cease looking for the source and we don't even notice the odor, unless someone else happens to smell it or point it out.

And that, in a nutshell, is one of the reasons that we're called to be in community. Because God is more concerned with our holiness than our contentedness or happiness. He doesn't want us to settle into a comfortable place amidst the stench. He laments when we begin to think that the smell of death is "normal" and "okay." We need other people in our lives who can smell the stench clearly and are willing to root around with us, into the dusty and dark places, to pull out the decaying and rotting goop of mouse entrails and sin.

Someone who walks into the room and says, "Man, that wreaks! Smells like something died in here. You should do something about that" is observationally helpful, but beyond that, just kind of annoying. And more of a critic than a friend.

But a real friend, who smells the stench, and is willing to root around in the dark and dusty places with you, who is fighting with you against that sin, that stench, that death- that, friends, is a needed, desired, and beloved community.

May we become more like that.

And may I never have to touch another dead mouse ever again. Please God.

humble me, Lord.

Humble me, Lord.

Forgive me for the ways in which I love your gifts more than I love the giver...

Forgive me for the ways in which I am silent out of fear, when you ask me to speak with boldness...

Forgive me for the times in which I speak, when I should listen or be silent instead...

Forgive me for the times when I do not love well those whom you have called me to love...

Forgive me for the ways in which I think of myself as better, more skilled, or more holy than I ought...

Forgive me for thinking that I must always be the teacher, when often you want me to be the student...

Would you humble me, Lord?

what could we improve on?

... my favorite question on any group survey. But you know what I realized this morning? I think that 9 times out of 10, when I have answered these or received these surveys back, the answers have centered around an idea of "I wish the community aspect were [better/deeper/more real/more prevalent/present/stronger/fill-in-the-blank]."

And this isn't just an observation: I just finished filling out a survey where I answered the same thing. But this is a curious phenomena to me... Are we really just that lousy at community, in most organizations, Christian ones in particular? Or is there something deeper going on there?

I vote there's something deeper going on here. Shocker.

See I've been in some groups where there's been pretty darn awesome community: my women's small group in high school, my current apartment, my small group in Chapel Hill, my apartment senior year of college, the small group I led for three years in college, just to name a few of a long list. But even in those really healthy and good places, I think I still would have answered the survey question with: I'd love more community!

Why?

I think there is something in us that longs to be fully known, and fully loved. Unconditionally. Naked and Unashamed, so to speak. And thus, even when we taste really good community, we long for more of it. We are "wired for intimacy" (to steal a book title from William Struthers) and built for relationship.

Which brings me to your favorite holiday and mine, which we celebrate today: Valentines Day!

Here's the headline, shocker, but I don't think we long for a valentine's day schnook'ums because we really want the chocolates and pink and red card complete with lacy frill, or red roses by the dozen.

I think the longing there is the same longing we experience when we return surveys saying, "I want to have better community." I think it's the same longing that leads some marriages, 5 years in, to fall apart because, "She just doesn't know me anymore" or "I don't even know him anymore." It's the same longing that we feel when we're giddy just beginning a relationship, or devastated, ending one. And, I even think it's the same longing that leads some of us to isolate ourselves and withdraw from any form of community. We long to be known and loved, fully. We long to be naked and unashamed.

We long for the Garden again.

So here's my point: I think this longing is a good and holy one. And I think it's great for churches, groups, marriages, relationships, friendships to strive for really good community and really deep "knowing and being known." But I do not think that we will ever find that "perfection" of community that we long for, this side of the kingdom of God. And I think often times, we will miss out on really amazing community because we are looking for, in humans, the kind of community that only God can provide.

And God will provide. We hold on to hope for that. And we rejoice when we see that holy community imitated, however well or poorly, here and now! But in the meantime, I think there are a few helpful tips for us in the here-and-now:

1) Affirm that the longing for real community is good! It is true. It is good. It is one of the most real things about us in our humanity. But also affirm that human community is flawed, imperfect, and a work in progress. Give up the wish-dream of perfection in a spouse, significant other, friend, community, or church.

2) Recognize that community starts with you. As you look for a good spouse, significant other, church, campus group, etc., ask yourself, "Am I initiating good community?" "Am I being the type of friend/person that I'm looking for?" Community is made by joint effort, not acquired.

3) Look to Jesus for the deepest community. Because he alone fully knows you and fully loves you. He is the perfection of community. And before him, you can stand naked and unashamed. He is the consummation of your longing. :)

a minister's confession

taken from the "Valley of Vision" (collection of puritan prayers and devotions), excerpts p. 187, entitled "A Minister's Confession"

O God,
I know that I often do thy work without thy power,
and sin by my dead, heartless, blind service,
my lack of inward light, love, delight,
my mind, heart, tongue, moving without thy help.

I see sin in my heart in seeking the approbation of others;
This is my vileness, to make men's opinion my rule, whereas
I should see what good I have done,
and give thee the glory,
consider what sin I have committed and mourn for that.

It is my deceit to preach, and pray,
and to stir up others' spiritual affections
in order to beget commendations,
whereas my rule should be daily to consider myself more vile
than any man in my own eyes.

But thou dost show thy power by my frailty,
so that the more feeble I am, the more fit to be used,
for thou dost pitch a tent of grace in my weakness.

Help me to rejoice in my infirmities and give thee praise,
to acknowledge my deficiencies before others
and not be discouraged by them,
that they may see thy glory more clearly.

Teach me how I must act by a power supernatural,
whereby I can attempt things above my strength,
and bear evils beyond my strength,
acting for Christ in all, and
having his superior power to help me.

Let me learn of Paul
who presence was mean,
his weakness great,
his utterance contemptible,
yet thou didst account him faithful and blessed.

Lord, let me lean on thee as he did,
and find my ministry thine.

Contempt for Contempt

With regard to relationships of any nature:

"Have contempt for contempt."

- Francis de Sales, "An Introduction to a Devout Life," cited in "Sacred Marriage" (Gary Thomas), p.54

Discuss.

is it God or is it me?

All of us, in some way or another, long to hear from God. But how does one tell whether what you are hearing is merely your own thoughts projected on God, or actually the voice of God?

I've had a number of conversations recently about discerning God's voice, and so, in light of that, I thought I would share a few "check-points" taken from an article by Laura Thiel, entitled "Hearing God's Voice" (Prayer Ministry Manual, p. 37) which I have found to be very helpful.

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1. Does what you are hearing contradict Scripture? All leadings from God are consistent with His Word, the Bible. When we listen to God, we do not expect God to say anything new doctrinally.

2. Does the voice gently lead you in a direction, or is it commanding and harsh? God’s voice gently guides and encourages, giving you hope.

3. Remember:
a. God leads, Satan drives
b. God convicts, Satan condemns and brings guilt
c. God woos, Satan tugs hard
d. God does not use fear to motivate

4. Simply write down what you hear and wait for confirmation. Joyce Huggett suggests asking God for 3 confirmations (through God’s word, through circumstances and through other people) before moving forward with what you are hearing from God.

5. Bill Hybels' “Cautions for Leadings”
a. If a leading requires you to make a major, life-changing decision in a very short period of time, question it.
b. If a leading requires you to go deeply in debt or place someone else in a position of awkwardness, compromise or danger, question it.
c. If a leading requires you to shatter family relationships or important friendships, question it.
d. If a leading creates unrest in the spirits of mature Christian friends or counselors as you share it with them, question it.

8. Be very careful when you say, God wants… God is saying… Having access through Jesus to God is a very powerful thing so with it we must exercise great caution. It is often wiser [specifically when praying for others] to say instead:

a. It’s my sense that…
b. I wonder if God…
c. Or make a question from what you are hearing
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