what could we improve on?

... my favorite question on any group survey. But you know what I realized this morning? I think that 9 times out of 10, when I have answered these or received these surveys back, the answers have centered around an idea of "I wish the community aspect were [better/deeper/more real/more prevalent/present/stronger/fill-in-the-blank]."

And this isn't just an observation: I just finished filling out a survey where I answered the same thing. But this is a curious phenomena to me... Are we really just that lousy at community, in most organizations, Christian ones in particular? Or is there something deeper going on there?

I vote there's something deeper going on here. Shocker.

See I've been in some groups where there's been pretty darn awesome community: my women's small group in high school, my current apartment, my small group in Chapel Hill, my apartment senior year of college, the small group I led for three years in college, just to name a few of a long list. But even in those really healthy and good places, I think I still would have answered the survey question with: I'd love more community!

Why?

I think there is something in us that longs to be fully known, and fully loved. Unconditionally. Naked and Unashamed, so to speak. And thus, even when we taste really good community, we long for more of it. We are "wired for intimacy" (to steal a book title from William Struthers) and built for relationship.

Which brings me to your favorite holiday and mine, which we celebrate today: Valentines Day!

Here's the headline, shocker, but I don't think we long for a valentine's day schnook'ums because we really want the chocolates and pink and red card complete with lacy frill, or red roses by the dozen.

I think the longing there is the same longing we experience when we return surveys saying, "I want to have better community." I think it's the same longing that leads some marriages, 5 years in, to fall apart because, "She just doesn't know me anymore" or "I don't even know him anymore." It's the same longing that we feel when we're giddy just beginning a relationship, or devastated, ending one. And, I even think it's the same longing that leads some of us to isolate ourselves and withdraw from any form of community. We long to be known and loved, fully. We long to be naked and unashamed.

We long for the Garden again.

So here's my point: I think this longing is a good and holy one. And I think it's great for churches, groups, marriages, relationships, friendships to strive for really good community and really deep "knowing and being known." But I do not think that we will ever find that "perfection" of community that we long for, this side of the kingdom of God. And I think often times, we will miss out on really amazing community because we are looking for, in humans, the kind of community that only God can provide.

And God will provide. We hold on to hope for that. And we rejoice when we see that holy community imitated, however well or poorly, here and now! But in the meantime, I think there are a few helpful tips for us in the here-and-now:

1) Affirm that the longing for real community is good! It is true. It is good. It is one of the most real things about us in our humanity. But also affirm that human community is flawed, imperfect, and a work in progress. Give up the wish-dream of perfection in a spouse, significant other, friend, community, or church.

2) Recognize that community starts with you. As you look for a good spouse, significant other, church, campus group, etc., ask yourself, "Am I initiating good community?" "Am I being the type of friend/person that I'm looking for?" Community is made by joint effort, not acquired.

3) Look to Jesus for the deepest community. Because he alone fully knows you and fully loves you. He is the perfection of community. And before him, you can stand naked and unashamed. He is the consummation of your longing. :)