Dying to Self

Anger is a strange emotion. It can be aggressive. It can be passive. It can be for no reason, or for very deep reasons. Often times it is merely sadness moved into offensive position.

And today, I am angry.

And, I think, if I'm honest, my anger is primarily directed at God.

• "But you KNOW me!"
• "Why do you only ask me to consider things that are hard, painful and difficult?"
• "Why would you even think of asking me to do that?"
• "I thought you were a God of new life, abundance and joy, of spacious places, but this feels trapping, confining, bitter and like returning to the grave-clothes."

And yes, I do know that he is God, that he knows better than me, that he is good, that he acts on my behalf, and that ultimately his plan is the best.

But at the moment, I'm still angry. And my anger comes from being asked to die to self. To let go of my plan, my ideals, my agenda, my desires, and my hopes, and let Jesus lead. Wherever, Whenever, and Whatever that means. And no matter what Christians will tell you, the act of dying to yourself is a painful process. It does not come naturally, and we fight against it with everything inside of us, even as we know that it is exactly what we need to do and even what we want to do.

And I will get to that point eventually, of dying to self, of letting go, of free falling. But at the moment, I'm still in the death throws.

I tried so hard /And got so far /But in the end /It doesn't even matter I had to fall /To lose it all /But in the end /It doesn't even matter [linkin park, "in the end"]