Catechism of cross-gendered relations

When we hit our early to mid-twenties, the Heidelberg Catechism seems to be put aside for a new book of catechisms. It must be mandatory reading for everyone older than the mid-twenties, as everyone older than me seems to be asking them.

First, we begin with modified versions of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" which mount in intensity the longer it takes for you to pick a major, job, source of income. Once you've settled on a source of financial prosperity, then the questions move into "Are you dating anyone?" which, when answered in the affirmative, proceeds into "So, do you think you'll get married?" or, if answered with a negative, then the statement, "Oh, well I know this great girl/guy who I think you would really like!" spontaneously ushers forth from the mouth of the caring and well-intentioned individual. If you are already married, then the questions tend to center around procreation... and how soon you intend to do it.

And these questions drive me crazier than a blind cat with catnip tied to its tail. Allow me to explain.

See, I think there are some good solid Biblical roots to these questions... for example:

• Genesis 2:18, God says, "...It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." and then God does just that, creating woman.
• Genesis 1:28, God tells man, "... Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." A few chapters later, Adam and Eve get jiggy and comply with this command.

The focus on marriage, job, and procreation is ultimately from a well-intentioned source. As humans, we were made for companionship. We were given work in the garden, and that was a good thing. Being fruitful and multiplying certainly keeps the human race in business a little bit longer. Good things.

But, unfortunately, I think it also has an unhealthy and unintentional side-effect: it leads to unhealthy cross-gender relationships, because we are so focused on what "could be" as opposed to the friendship that is now. We are constantly sizing the other up, constantly wondering, "could this be..." As a result, friendships stagnate over the potential of more. Questions such as "does she like me" or "yikes, I think he's into me" cause real relationships to falter.

And yes, I understand the need to be cautious about appearances. Yes, I know that you don't want to lead anyone on. But my suggestion to you is... could we not potentially address all of those concerns by just being honest? real? open? Seriously. Wow. Such a radical concept.

But let me press this a little bit further and actually get to my point. News flash: men and women are different. Shocker. But, not only are men and women different, but they are different in complimentary ways. Meaning, men and women, we need each other.

But here's where the church often gets tripped up: complementarity does not necessarily mean that we need to get married right away. While marriage is a great thing, and I thoroughly intend to enjoy it one of these days, we are also given the blessing of complementarity in non-sexual relationships. And I'll even be bold enough to say:

Men, you need female friends. Women, you need male friends.

And by focusing so entirely on the sexual complementarity, and future complementarity, we often miss out on real relationships, real friendships here and now.

So here's my challenge: can we take off the lens of the future? Committed to honesty and straightforward dialogue, can we begin to engage in healthy cross-gendered relationships, which don't rule out the option of future relationships, but aren't so focused on them that we cut off our noses to spite our faces?

And the first thing to go has got to be the catechism...