Turning

So I suppose that I should follow up on my last post by telling the rest of the story... you need not fret dear reader, God is the ultimate lover, and he pursues his children, even when they very much do not want to be pursued...

On Friday afternoon, still very much angry, I decided to go for a walk... as I began to walk, I felt like God's presence was walking with me, and what ensued thereafter felt very much like a dialogue between me and God... this is how it felt like it went:

Me: God, I don't really want to talk to you right now. I'm pretty angry. Please go away.

God: That's ok. We don't have to talk. I just want to walk with you.

Me: I don't want to think about these questions that are making me angry any more. And I definitely don't want to talk about them.

God: That's ok. Let's just walk together.

[so I continued walking. not talking, not thinking, just walking]. [a little bit later]:

Me: God, I'm sorry, I feel really ugly right now, both inside and out, in the midst of my anger.

God: Do you know that my delight in you is every bit the same now, when you are ugly, angry, and closed off, as it is when you delight in me. I love you and delight in you.

And that was the end of our conversation... but that gentle love and steady presence was what I needed at that time. I still don't have answers. I still don't like my options. And the questions are still frustrating to me when I think about them for too long. But what has changed is that I've decided to turn and bring my hurts, questions, and frustration to God, rather than running away from him in my anger. To wrestle with him, rather than against him.

I am still in the painful process of dying to self. But I am also being pursued, carried, and led by a God who loves perfectly, and deeply, even in the times that are painful.

And I am choosing to turn toward Him, rather than run away.