I met with a woman and her ten year-old son for lunch last Thursday. I was not expecting any financial support; I was just going to share my story, and ask for prayer support. Lunch was delightful, and I really had a good time! We talked about a great many things, including InterVarsity staff, the need for college ministry, and my passion for the campus.
As I was preparing to leave, the ten year-old disappeared upstairs, saying that he "had something really important to do." He re-appeared minutes later, holding in his hands two bills and four rolls of pennies. He handed it to me, saying, "Kristen, I think it's really important what you want to do on the college campus. I think those college students need to hear about Jesus." He handed me the money, half of his life's savings...
He gave of everything that he had. These are the stones on which I stand... the stories which I get to proclaim. His is one of many. I wept because his generosity and his heart were so beautiful. And they put mine to shame...
Those pennies sit on my desk now, as a daily reminder that even when I feel that I have nothing left to give-- time, money, energy, resources, myself-- God has blessed me abundantly, and there is always enough give. My cup is never empty.
Mark 12: 41-44
"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
sinner, poor, wretched, blind; seriously?
I have been reminded over and over again, as of late, of my own sin and need of grace. And the incredible riches which God freely gives, and I can only receive. I do not deny that God has given me gifts, and that He has equipped me to share His love. But in the most base way, I often confuse His gifts to me, as my own independent abilities and self-sufficiency outside of him. I forget my own sinful nature. I claim self-righteousness; self-atonement; self-justification. I found this poem last night, and was struck yet again, of how often I forget the depth of God's grace for me, as I simplify my own sinfulness and "sanitize" it into "not so bad." Read it in light of the wealth of God's grace....
grace, grace, God's grace, given freely
all for me, sinner, poor wretched, blind.
wretched? blind? poor? needy?
me?
seriously?
start from the end, rewind it back...
needy? well, sure i got needs
to eat, to sleep, to breath, to drink
but needy, what does that mean?
can't provide for myself, must depend on others
foreign. strange. true?
i got needs that i cannot fill?
love? community? unity? laughter?
self-reliance indestructible
first thing you gotta do is admit
yes, i have needs; i cannot fill.
poor? certainly not rich, not sure in the sticks.
i got clothes on my back, food to eat
family to love, truth to share
gifts to offer, sure
only
you see, everything's a little bit broken.
my family intact but broken,
food plenty, but my soul still hungerin'
ain't nothing to fill that hole.
and truth to share, but it's never enough
no matter how much, still pain
i cannot heal.
and my gifts, well they're a little bit
broken too; lots of holes, gaps.
like the knees of my jeans, worn through
never enough.
i reckon I'll never make enough, be enough
to cover the cost of the cross to fill 'em up.
yet but certainly not blind.
my vision's just fine, see
all around me, people mingling
happy, sad, joyful, mourning, needy.
needy, even I know what to do.
food? water, bandages, aid?
i can do.
oh wait? their souls? something more?
here, neighbor, let me fix your lens.
see, i think you're missing Jesus.
me, why yes, my lucky rabbit food
and Jesus right beside?
my eye, you say? oh, no need.
i see quite well around my blinders.
see the people like Jesus does?
let alone see Jesus' love for me?
not quite so 20-20.
ah, then if this refrain is true thus far,
then the last part first I have no doubt
is true:
for if indeed i am needy, poor, blind
then indeed i am wretched. sinner.
for all along i masquerade
as able, wealthy, seeing
all the while, shunning my Savior.
ah, woe is me. i am despised.
yet
in my place, He stands, hands outstretched:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden
for I have rest for your souls...
I have come not to save the saint, but the sinner."
only by grace can we enter. only by grace can we stand.
-- anonymous
grace, grace, God's grace, given freely
all for me, sinner, poor wretched, blind.
wretched? blind? poor? needy?
me?
seriously?
start from the end, rewind it back...
needy? well, sure i got needs
to eat, to sleep, to breath, to drink
but needy, what does that mean?
can't provide for myself, must depend on others
foreign. strange. true?
i got needs that i cannot fill?
love? community? unity? laughter?
self-reliance indestructible
first thing you gotta do is admit
yes, i have needs; i cannot fill.
poor? certainly not rich, not sure in the sticks.
i got clothes on my back, food to eat
family to love, truth to share
gifts to offer, sure
only
you see, everything's a little bit broken.
my family intact but broken,
food plenty, but my soul still hungerin'
ain't nothing to fill that hole.
and truth to share, but it's never enough
no matter how much, still pain
i cannot heal.
and my gifts, well they're a little bit
broken too; lots of holes, gaps.
like the knees of my jeans, worn through
never enough.
i reckon I'll never make enough, be enough
to cover the cost of the cross to fill 'em up.
yet but certainly not blind.
my vision's just fine, see
all around me, people mingling
happy, sad, joyful, mourning, needy.
needy, even I know what to do.
food? water, bandages, aid?
i can do.
oh wait? their souls? something more?
here, neighbor, let me fix your lens.
see, i think you're missing Jesus.
me, why yes, my lucky rabbit food
and Jesus right beside?
my eye, you say? oh, no need.
i see quite well around my blinders.
see the people like Jesus does?
let alone see Jesus' love for me?
not quite so 20-20.
ah, then if this refrain is true thus far,
then the last part first I have no doubt
is true:
for if indeed i am needy, poor, blind
then indeed i am wretched. sinner.
for all along i masquerade
as able, wealthy, seeing
all the while, shunning my Savior.
ah, woe is me. i am despised.
yet
in my place, He stands, hands outstretched:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden
for I have rest for your souls...
I have come not to save the saint, but the sinner."
only by grace can we enter. only by grace can we stand.
-- anonymous
Sunday, August 19, 2007
prayer for every day
Father, today I am poor in spirit.
Today I forgot who was God.
I considered myself and my passions and needs of greater worth than you.
I said one thing, but did another.
I even considered my work for YOU to be of greater importance than you yourself.
I was distracted by small things, myself included.
And most of all, I forgot to say thank you for everything you have done and are doing.
Possibly because I wasn't looking for your blessings; I was too busy complaining about your timing, your methods, and how much better I would be at managing the world, if I were God.
I was outwardly pious, but inwardly impoverished.
Please show me your kingdom.
I have no wealth of my own to offer, save your blood, and my salvation therein.
Show me your kingdom. My hands are empty and I bring nothing of my own to the table.
I am hungry, Lord.
I am poor in spirit.
And while it hurts to say those words, I know their truth.
Show me your kingdom. For it is built by your hands, not mine.
Use me as your tool.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God." Matt. 5:3
Today I forgot who was God.
I considered myself and my passions and needs of greater worth than you.
I said one thing, but did another.
I even considered my work for YOU to be of greater importance than you yourself.
I was distracted by small things, myself included.
And most of all, I forgot to say thank you for everything you have done and are doing.
Possibly because I wasn't looking for your blessings; I was too busy complaining about your timing, your methods, and how much better I would be at managing the world, if I were God.
I was outwardly pious, but inwardly impoverished.
Please show me your kingdom.
I have no wealth of my own to offer, save your blood, and my salvation therein.
Show me your kingdom. My hands are empty and I bring nothing of my own to the table.
I am hungry, Lord.
I am poor in spirit.
And while it hurts to say those words, I know their truth.
Show me your kingdom. For it is built by your hands, not mine.
Use me as your tool.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God." Matt. 5:3
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
the seventh food group
Have you ever bitten into something, and been entirely surprised by its taste or flavor?
Well, two days ago, I experienced that horrible sensation. Kids don't try this at home. Innocently licking what I thought was a dab of Shepherd's pie off my finger, I was met with the cruel realization that what I was tasting on my tongue was not indeed the rich and flavorful taste of the pie, but rather, dish soap that I had accidentally dripped on my finger. Please don't ask how I mistook the one for the other, but regardless, I did.
To make matters worse, as I went running to the bathroom, gagging, to wash that horrible taste out of my mouth, my mind did not function sufficiently quickly to realize the implications of placing water on the liquid disgusting-ness. The moment the water, intended to clean out the taste, hit the liquid soap, my mouth was filled with bubbles and suds. Quite literally, my little tasting mistake led to an almost rabid foaming at the mouth. While certainly an amusing picture to the observer (my sister), it was not an experience that I particularly enjoyed. Even as I type this, I can still taste the rather unpleasant flavor of Dawn.
Now, soap is an amazing thing. I'm still wondering who the genius was that looked at soapstone and thought "hmm, let me wash things with this stone." Without soap, we would not be able to clean clothes, dishes, floors, ourselves, or any number of other things. Diseases would spread much more rapidly. Dirty locations would be much more prevalent. And people, let's face it, would smell much worse. Soap is a wonderful thing, with many useful purposes. But those purposes and uses do not include ingesting it. Same thing with other good things in our lives. They have appropriate uses, times, and purposes, and when they are used in unintended ways or times, they fail to have the same beneficial effects. In fact, they can have devastating effects. Let me give you a couple of examples:
All of these things, in and of themselves, are not bad. In fact, they're great things and gifts from God! But used out of proper context, they have nasty effects. Same as eating soap. Good thing. Not used effectively. So too, in the way that I can still taste the bubbles, often the effects are longer lasting than just in the moment...
Lesson of the day: Don't eat soap. Use God's gifts in proper context.
Well, two days ago, I experienced that horrible sensation. Kids don't try this at home. Innocently licking what I thought was a dab of Shepherd's pie off my finger, I was met with the cruel realization that what I was tasting on my tongue was not indeed the rich and flavorful taste of the pie, but rather, dish soap that I had accidentally dripped on my finger. Please don't ask how I mistook the one for the other, but regardless, I did.
To make matters worse, as I went running to the bathroom, gagging, to wash that horrible taste out of my mouth, my mind did not function sufficiently quickly to realize the implications of placing water on the liquid disgusting-ness. The moment the water, intended to clean out the taste, hit the liquid soap, my mouth was filled with bubbles and suds. Quite literally, my little tasting mistake led to an almost rabid foaming at the mouth. While certainly an amusing picture to the observer (my sister), it was not an experience that I particularly enjoyed. Even as I type this, I can still taste the rather unpleasant flavor of Dawn.
Now, soap is an amazing thing. I'm still wondering who the genius was that looked at soapstone and thought "hmm, let me wash things with this stone." Without soap, we would not be able to clean clothes, dishes, floors, ourselves, or any number of other things. Diseases would spread much more rapidly. Dirty locations would be much more prevalent. And people, let's face it, would smell much worse. Soap is a wonderful thing, with many useful purposes. But those purposes and uses do not include ingesting it. Same thing with other good things in our lives. They have appropriate uses, times, and purposes, and when they are used in unintended ways or times, they fail to have the same beneficial effects. In fact, they can have devastating effects. Let me give you a couple of examples:
- Painkillers, as an addictive drug, rather than to deal with legitimate physical pain
- Sex, outside of the marriage context
- Words, when used to abuse or hurt or defame
- Money, when it is allowed to govern our lives, rather than provide for our needs and those of others
- Food, when it is over or under consumed
- Exercise, when it is over or under practiced
- Security, when it becomes an excuse not to follow as God calls us out of our comfort zones
- Relationships, when they start to take the place of God in our lives
All of these things, in and of themselves, are not bad. In fact, they're great things and gifts from God! But used out of proper context, they have nasty effects. Same as eating soap. Good thing. Not used effectively. So too, in the way that I can still taste the bubbles, often the effects are longer lasting than just in the moment...
Lesson of the day: Don't eat soap. Use God's gifts in proper context.
Friday, August 10, 2007
God's breath
When I returned to NC, I returned to my temporary cat, Marusia. I say temporary because really she belongs to someone else, and I am just long-term cat-sitting. Regardless, Marusia loves to be close to humans. I found this out experimentally when I tried to sleep in the same room with her. Middle of the night, I woke up to the sensation that I couldn't really breathe. Fur seemed to be occupying my breathing apparatus. While I did at one point in time hope to grow a beard, the fur was rather misplaced for that to have occurred. Rather, I discovered that the cat had relocated herself onto my face. The nearest conclusion that I can draw is that she has some comfort in feeling my breath, quite literally, upon her. She wants to get as close as she can to me, and quite literally does not feel secure unless she is sleeping on top of my face.
While this can be quite annoying for the sleeper, I think it demonstrates (certainly) a unique image of our hunger in various degrees for God. As believers, we want the kind of life that comes from having his breath upon us (quite literally, we were brought into human being when God breathed into Adam's nostrils with the breath of life). Yet some of us are content to lie, metaphorically speaking, at the edge of the bed, a safe distance from God, but close enough that we can still experience part of the life that He intended for us. Others dwell on the floor because we feel "unworthy" to dwell in God's presence, or because we don't feel the need to be close to God. Yet still others so passionately desire to be in God's presence, that they get as close to him as they possibly can because they desperately need to be in his presence in order to live fully. Unlike my relationship with Marusia, God never stops breathing on us, when we try to get too close to him. Rather, he invites us to dwell in his presence. He delights to have us dwell in his presence. He wants to be known. He wants to know us. We are designed to be in relationship with Him, and it is this relationship with Him that gives life and breath. So bask. Get as close as you can. Rest! and hang-out!
While this can be quite annoying for the sleeper, I think it demonstrates (certainly) a unique image of our hunger in various degrees for God. As believers, we want the kind of life that comes from having his breath upon us (quite literally, we were brought into human being when God breathed into Adam's nostrils with the breath of life). Yet some of us are content to lie, metaphorically speaking, at the edge of the bed, a safe distance from God, but close enough that we can still experience part of the life that He intended for us. Others dwell on the floor because we feel "unworthy" to dwell in God's presence, or because we don't feel the need to be close to God. Yet still others so passionately desire to be in God's presence, that they get as close to him as they possibly can because they desperately need to be in his presence in order to live fully. Unlike my relationship with Marusia, God never stops breathing on us, when we try to get too close to him. Rather, he invites us to dwell in his presence. He delights to have us dwell in his presence. He wants to be known. He wants to know us. We are designed to be in relationship with Him, and it is this relationship with Him that gives life and breath. So bask. Get as close as you can. Rest! and hang-out!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Be thou my vision?
Wednesday morning is my hiatus in the midst of a crazy week. Every Wednesday morning, about 20 people from my church get together to pray. To spend time with God. To worship. And I love it. I always leave feeling blessed by the experience. These are women and men who delight to spend time in the Father's presence. And it is absolutely beautiful. This morning, however, I came in feeling empty. Feeling burdened, and overwhelmed by the things I had to do, the amount of money I had to raise, and my own doubts and fears about everything relating to myself, my image, and my faith. We sang "Be Thou My Vision," which I know by heart, and have sung for years, but never before I have I been struck by the words in such a way as I was this morning. The fourth and fifth verses go....
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
... no matter where I am in fundraising, no matter what my professors think of my "career aspirations," no matter how I am criticized or judged for "throwing away my life", no matter how I am praised for doing something "worthwhile" or "fantastic" or "which I wish my child was doing," I'm not paying any attention to that. It doesn't matter any more. Words of praise and riches are not what matters to me.
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
... you are my only concern, now and forever. You are what I am hoping for. You are all that I need. You define my identity.
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
... you and you only are what I want, love, long for. I leave everything else behind. You are first and foremost in my heart. Every other desire is behind you.
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
... you are King. You are God. You are in heaven. You are my treasure. Not my name. Not my reputation. Not the ability to serve you on campus. Not my visions for where I can take your name. Certainly not these funds that I am trying to raise. You, God, are my treasure.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
... the big Kahuna. God of heaven. You are my victory won. The victory is already won. No matter how I screw up, no matter how many times I fail, you do not. You have already won the battle. Sin and evil are defeated. And one day, we will see that on earth. The battle is won. My victory is certain, because He is King of heaven. He is my victory, not what I do.
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
... I'm longing for heaven, God, who gives light and warmth and beauty and life even to heaven.
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
... you know my heart. And your heart is part of my heart, as I slowly learn more about what your heart is, and listen to you voice. Please let my desires become more and more like yours. Whatever happens to me, whatever happens in the world, whether or not I reach budget, whether or not I reach campus, whether or not I am able to serve you in the way that I think you are calling me...
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
... Lord, please be my vision. Direct me in the ways that you want me to go. Be what I see, as I look at the world. Help me to see with your eyes. Show me how you see things. Let me always keep my eyes fixed on you. Like Peter, Lord, don't let me take my eyes off you, or I will sink. Lord, you are ruler of all, including me. I submit my life to that. And knowing your goodness, ask that you take over once again. You are God. I am not. Please direct my life.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
... no matter where I am in fundraising, no matter what my professors think of my "career aspirations," no matter how I am criticized or judged for "throwing away my life", no matter how I am praised for doing something "worthwhile" or "fantastic" or "which I wish my child was doing," I'm not paying any attention to that. It doesn't matter any more. Words of praise and riches are not what matters to me.
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
... you are my only concern, now and forever. You are what I am hoping for. You are all that I need. You define my identity.
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
... you and you only are what I want, love, long for. I leave everything else behind. You are first and foremost in my heart. Every other desire is behind you.
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
... you are King. You are God. You are in heaven. You are my treasure. Not my name. Not my reputation. Not the ability to serve you on campus. Not my visions for where I can take your name. Certainly not these funds that I am trying to raise. You, God, are my treasure.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
... the big Kahuna. God of heaven. You are my victory won. The victory is already won. No matter how I screw up, no matter how many times I fail, you do not. You have already won the battle. Sin and evil are defeated. And one day, we will see that on earth. The battle is won. My victory is certain, because He is King of heaven. He is my victory, not what I do.
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
... I'm longing for heaven, God, who gives light and warmth and beauty and life even to heaven.
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
... you know my heart. And your heart is part of my heart, as I slowly learn more about what your heart is, and listen to you voice. Please let my desires become more and more like yours. Whatever happens to me, whatever happens in the world, whether or not I reach budget, whether or not I reach campus, whether or not I am able to serve you in the way that I think you are calling me...
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
... Lord, please be my vision. Direct me in the ways that you want me to go. Be what I see, as I look at the world. Help me to see with your eyes. Show me how you see things. Let me always keep my eyes fixed on you. Like Peter, Lord, don't let me take my eyes off you, or I will sink. Lord, you are ruler of all, including me. I submit my life to that. And knowing your goodness, ask that you take over once again. You are God. I am not. Please direct my life.
Monday, August 6, 2007
snapshots of eternity
... otherwise known as, observations from this past weekend that made me stop and smile!
-> The bride and groom standing at the alter, vows already said, and the bride turns to the groom and whispers "Thank you for waiting for me." The groom begins to weep, not tears of sorrow, but tears of joy, because at long last, the long journey is over.
-> 18 month-old little boy perches on the edge of the pool, giggling at his dad, who stands in the pool, less than a foot away, cajoling him to jump, "Come on! I'll catch you! All you to do is trust me and jump." Yet the son does not move, until his father reaches out to him and lifts him up, and into the waters.
-> The tuxedo-clad stranger to my left diagraming complex mathematical families and sets on the back of the ivory and silver wedding menu, so immersed in his explanations and so entranced by the beauty of the mathematics that he cannot be distracted.
-> The same stranger becoming a friend over the course of the meal, and upon hearing about my summer of fund-raising, he asks, out of the blue, "Well, to which address would one send a check, because I want to support you."
-> Knowing the stories behind the scenes in the present: knowing the struggles that brought individuals to the joys which they now have:
* A bride and groom, held apart for years by a stubborn blockade, finally allowed to give themselves fully to each other
* A severely handicapped daughter, whose birth led her unbelieving parents to the Lord
* A broken relationship leading to a broken friendship, finally healed in small talk by the poolside.
-> A moment of clarity and understanding from a friend; a moment of truly knowing, "Yes! I understand! I am exactly the same way!" And the affirmation, "Yes, this is a struggle which we both have, but there is beauty in it as well..."
-> The joy of community. The familiarity of being known. The exuberance of free and unrestrained laughter. And the delight of candor and real, deep, all-the-way-to-the-eyes smiles. Welcome, friend, this is where you belong.
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