Be thou my vision?

Wednesday morning is my hiatus in the midst of a crazy week. Every Wednesday morning, about 20 people from my church get together to pray. To spend time with God. To worship. And I love it. I always leave feeling blessed by the experience. These are women and men who delight to spend time in the Father's presence. And it is absolutely beautiful. This morning, however, I came in feeling empty. Feeling burdened, and overwhelmed by the things I had to do, the amount of money I had to raise, and my own doubts and fears about everything relating to myself, my image, and my faith. We sang "Be Thou My Vision," which I know by heart, and have sung for years, but never before I have I been struck by the words in such a way as I was this morning. The fourth and fifth verses go....

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

... no matter where I am in fundraising, no matter what my professors think of my "career aspirations," no matter how I am criticized or judged for "throwing away my life", no matter how I am praised for doing something "worthwhile" or "fantastic" or "which I wish my child was doing," I'm not paying any attention to that. It doesn't matter any more. Words of praise and riches are not what matters to me.

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

... you are my only concern, now and forever. You are what I am hoping for. You are all that I need. You define my identity.

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

... you and you only are what I want, love, long for. I leave everything else behind. You are first and foremost in my heart. Every other desire is behind you.

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

... you are King. You are God. You are in heaven. You are my treasure. Not my name. Not my reputation. Not the ability to serve you on campus. Not my visions for where I can take your name. Certainly not these funds that I am trying to raise. You, God, are my treasure.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

... the big Kahuna. God of heaven. You are my victory won. The victory is already won. No matter how I screw up, no matter how many times I fail, you do not. You have already won the battle. Sin and evil are defeated. And one day, we will see that on earth. The battle is won. My victory is certain, because He is King of heaven. He is my victory, not what I do.

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

... I'm longing for heaven, God, who gives light and warmth and beauty and life even to heaven.

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

... you know my heart. And your heart is part of my heart, as I slowly learn more about what your heart is, and listen to you voice. Please let my desires become more and more like yours. Whatever happens to me, whatever happens in the world, whether or not I reach budget, whether or not I reach campus, whether or not I am able to serve you in the way that I think you are calling me...

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

... Lord, please be my vision. Direct me in the ways that you want me to go. Be what I see, as I look at the world. Help me to see with your eyes. Show me how you see things. Let me always keep my eyes fixed on you. Like Peter, Lord, don't let me take my eyes off you, or I will sink. Lord, you are ruler of all, including me. I submit my life to that. And knowing your goodness, ask that you take over once again. You are God. I am not. Please direct my life.