No one wants to be on the B-team

Eight days until I move northwards.

So, dear friends, I have a confession to make: I am arrogant.

While this might shock you (I know, I know, who would have guessed?), I assure you that it is true. I think I am right most of the time. If I appear humble, most likely it's because I feel that I am the most humble person around, and am quite proud of that fact (ah, the irony).

A few weeks ago, I sat down with a wise mentor and friend to talk through some of my feelings (ah, the dreaded word) with regard to the huge transitions coming up in my life. I was expressing fears, doubts, and frustrations about following a direction outside of my well-orchestrated plans. And my friend quite honestly said to me:

"You haven't been told 'no' to your big life-plans very often, have you?"
::ouch:: ::sigh, well, no, really just twice before this::
"And so, since your "A-plan" was rejected, now you feel like you're getting second best?"
::enter sinking feeling in pit of stomach as truth sinks in:: ::sigh:: ::yes::

and after a pause, "Do you really think you're getting God's second best? Are you that arrogant, to assume that your plans are better than God's?"
::why, yes, now that you mention it, I am that arrogant:: ::sigh::

And friends, here's the deal: at the root of my exaltation of my own wisdom, is the ugly doubt that God is not who He says He is (... good... good father... sovereign... loving... powerful... faithful...sufficient...). Ergo, I think I understand better than He does what I need/want.

It's truly humbling to realize that you're ridiculously self-centered and arrogant. But it has the good sting of truth settling in with cleansing power. Truth, spoken in love, is kind of like alcohol in a wound. It burns. It hurts. But it keeps infection and arrogance out. And being humbled or broken, is a hard place to be. But it's strangely freeing, as you let go, remove yourself from the divine driver's seat, and let God be God. In the words of Y&T:

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

God's plan is the A-plan. Sometimes that coincides with my A-plan. But when it doesn't, that does not imply second-best, B-team material. God's best is always the best. Period.

Now, can I (can we) live like I (we) believe it?