Saying no to weak-sauce strength...

Through the open window, I can hear my neighbors watching "the price is right." This is their routine every morning... It's unreal to me...

I've been reading through John 1-4 these last few days, as preparation for Chapter Camp, and yesterday, John 4, Jesus' interactions with the Samaritan Woman really stuck out to me... Jesus has this bizarre interaction with the woman, in which she asks him a lot of really good questions, such as "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (4:9). Or, "Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem." (4:20)

In other words, "Jesus, let's work through our racial and ethnic tensions of the last 500+ years. There's a lot of [doggie doo] there." or "Jesus, explain to me your theology of worship and the temple. Can you help straighten out our denominational differences and tell me who is right and who is wrong?"

Not bad questions. Great theological questions. But they're the wrong questions. And Jesus isn't buying any of her smoke screens. In the words of Alex Kirk, Jesus refuses to stay warm and fuzzy; he isn't willing to stay at a safe distance, allowing her to stay in her hidden, but comfortable, personal space.

He steps right into the awkward, getting personal, and asking precisely the one question that she needs to hear, but would really prefer not to answer:

He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back." "I have no husband," she replied. Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." (4:16-18)

In an instant, Jesus invades. He pushes in. He asks the questions that we don't want asked. He asks the questions we need to answer. And yes, that is not normally "nice" or "warm and fuzzy." But it is life transforming. Listen to the woman's simple testimony of faith, after her transforming experience with Jesus:

"Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" (4:29)

The fact that he pushes through, that he did not allow her to stay comfortable, that he invaded her personal space... that is what sparked her conversion moment. It is her testimony, as what is dark is brought to light, and Jesus in an instant offers her a chance to step into the light and become more whole in her brokenness than she has ever been in her hiding place.

So, I was sharing with 3-4 friends yesterday, in a couple different conversations, how I've realized that I'm not particularly good at sharing my processing with folks. I don't ask for help often, and when I do, I'm either (a) incredibly circuitous about it, hoping that my friends pick up on my casually dropped hints, or (b) already falling apart, unable to hide my need, and pretty much feeling like I've been pre-processed into menudo. I'm really good at appearing "put together" or "competent." (This is the weak-sauce portion of my strength.) I don't let people see the brokenness often, unless there is high trust and/or a divinely appointed moment. I, like the woman at the well, would prefer to ask great theological questions and leave the personal stuff at the door. [I'm sure this resonates with some of you].

But Jesus says, that's no way to live.

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light... But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." (John 3:19,21)

I think Jesus' rebuke and invitation to me is this... "Step into the light, Kristen. Do not hide any longer. As your brokenness is exposed, so too am I glorified even as you are made more whole."

So here's to the light and an attempt and transparency: I am emotionally constipated right now. I have not cried, really cried, in almost 2 months, and haven't been able to when I needed to. Not sure why. I am processing a lot of my fears, past, present, and future, and that's been hard. And a lot of things feel chaotic in my life; and I do not deal with chaos well. Simply put, I am a mess. Sorry to disappoint, for those of you who thought I had it all together... but, the truth is, weak-sauce strength, false put-togetherness, is no strength at all...

So, here's the invitation I gave my 3-4 friends yesterday:

Would you ask me good questions? Would you probe deeper? Would you not let me get away with weak-sauce strength? There might be times when I don't respond well, or when a given situation renders it appropriate for me to not answer a particular question, but ultimately, I need people to speak into those places of hiding, to invite greater wholeness in stepping into the light.

And my question for you is:

Are you willing to let Jesus ask the questions that you might not want to hear, but that ultimately bringing transformation and wholeness? are you willing to let your friends speak into those places for you? What would it look like for you, to step into the light?