Step into the chaos; Stand in the ruins

So friends, today is the day that you get a bit of raw, personal, and only partly processed stuff. If that doesn't sound like fun, then I would recommend (continuing) facebook stalking, purchasing random weird items on eBay, or you know, drinking a tall glass of a very tasty beverage instead...

"let's talk about fear..."

Damn it. [and I mean that entirely literally].

I wish that fear were not a topic with which I was familiar, but unfortunately, it is very much a part of my reality. I grew up with it. It's been in my family for years. It's been part of my OS as long as I can remember. I fight against it. Jesus has won, but sometimes I lose. And put me in a situation with chaos, and fear becomes a pretty big enemy. Control becomes my safety net because it allows me to hold fear at a safe distance, and avoid actually having to deal with it.

It's kind of like a zoo, holding a huge man-eating tiger. The fences keep you safe: they keep the tiger at bay. Control keeps you safe. But it doesn't deal with the fact that there's a man-eating tiger present. And fear is very much like a man-eating tiger... it eats you from the inside out. It holds you captive rather than sets you free. And it runs counter to what the kingdom is all about: "it is for freedom that Christ has set us free" (Gal 5:1).

Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of being revealed as a fraud. Those are some of my big ones...

And my guess is... if you think about it, you have places in which that fear rises up for you as well (some of you more than others): New situations. Wondering whether people like you. Financial stability. Family situations. Death. Heights. Public Speaking. Love. Small people or large woolly mammoths. You name it; we each have places in which fear becomes a dominant factor.

Let me just be categorically clear: (most) fear is not of God.

Now, there is such a thing as holy fear (or complete and total awe, reverence of an entirely holy God). And there is such a thing as healthy fear (hesitation to do stupid things, or reservations about jumping out of planes without a parachute). But 90% of the time, when we encounter fear in our lives, it is not holy or healthy. It is a fear that at root says, "God will not take care of me here; God will not provide for me here."

For me, that translates into, "Therefore, I need to take care of myself." I think my second sentence as a child was telling: "Me do it me's self." As long as I'm in control, fear stays under control. But, even though the tiger is caged, I find that all to often, I am the one who is bound.

Enter God in his grace and mercy.

For the last three years, God's invitation to me has been to relinquish control, to allow him to lead, to submit to him, to follow the Holy Spirit and to lay down my independent-self-protective walls, trusting him and trusting his people. He has been tearing down my walls, with the power of a wrecking ball and the delicacy of an architect.

But this last month, my sense is that God's invitation to me has been to "step into the chaos" and to "stand in the ruins" in the context of work, friendships, and family. In other words, to return to the places where fear reigns, sans protective walls, and let God do his thing. To return to the places long devastated in my life, and allow him to rebuild. And that is terrifying. Control, my favorite thing, is lost. And, as a result, I find myself facing the man-eating tiger. And I want nothing more than to cut and run, let's be honest. But I think, at the end of the day, God wants to deal with the tiger... Unhealthy, unholy fear has got to go.

I had a dream a few weeks ago, in which I saw a ginormous weed... in the dream, I kept trying to cut off the top of the weed, but it kept growing back. When I woke up, the phrase, "In order to kill the weed, you must cut out the root" was stuck in my head... weird as it is, I think there's some truth there:

God is not satisfied to just deal with the symptoms of our brokenness. He invites us to step into the chaos and stand in the ruins because He wants to rebuild not glaze over. He longs to cut out the root. And he longs to say to fear, "Get out of here scum-bag! You have no authority here anymore!"

For me, I'm still in process. I do not do chaos well. I don't like the ruins. But I chose to step forward because I believe that it is better to stand in the ruins with him, than to run and hide from them by myself. He is a God of restoration. I chose to step forward because I believe that it is better to step into the chaos with him than to try and battle it myself. He is a God of redemption, power, and authority. He wins. And I chose to step forward because the man-eating tiger has got to go...

That's me at the moment. But what are your ruins? Where is your chaos? Where does God long to do his work of restoration and redemption in your life?

"They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." [isaiah 61:4]

"This is what the Lord says: you say about this place, 'It is a desolate waste, without men or animals.' Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted, inhabited by neither men nor animals, there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings into the house of the Lord, saying "Give thanks to the Lord Almighty for the Lord is good; his love endures forever." [jeremiah 33:10-11]