I don't want to be weak sauce...

"You know, Kristen, you're a very strong woman."

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this phrase. And, to a certain degree, it's true. I am a strong woman. Headstrong, in many ways. Capable, in others. Independent, yes, although God's been working on that one. Pretty certain of who I am, my identity and the gifts that God has given me, yes, most of the time. And I'm inclined to believe, subjectively, that those strengths can be a good thing. Not always, or without fail, but they can be.

But, and let me just be really honest, more times than not, when those words have been spoken over me or to me, they have been followed or preceded by,

"You should probably tone that down a little." "That's not very feminine." "You need to need to be more _____(humble/quiet/submissive/womanly/etc)." or, my personal favorite, "You know, men don't really like strong women." And please don't mistake me, these are never words that are intended to be hurtful; they always come from a very sincere heart legitimately attempting to care for me well.

But often times, well-intentioned or not, my strength has felt like a curse, not a blessing.

And certainly, one of my areas of greatest weakness is my desire to be control. To know what's going on. To have voice or authority. To succeed. Arrogance. And I do struggle to trust others enough to depend on them, yes. Often times strength is just a masquerade to protect myself from being real. So yes, there are sinful and broken elements of me, that manifest themselves through the false-appearances of strength.

But at the same time, I think are really good things about the fact that I am a strong woman. I don't think I'm less feminine because I have a opinion, or because I can speak and lead well. I think discernment and boldness in speaking truth are good gifts, that are a blessing not a curse. And in many ways, I think strength calls out strength, and invites greater, deeper, stronger response from the men [and women] in my life. I am not ashamed of whom I am, strength included.

And please, make no mistake, there are many people in my life who have blessed that strength and identity, speaking truth over me, rebuking me, and calling me into greater holiness. And I am so grateful for them.

But here are some of the questions I'm wrestling with right now:

• What does it look like for me to be free and blessed to be all of who I am? To believe that my strength is a blessing, given by God, not a curse?
  
• What does it look like to allow God to shape that into greater holiness?
• Are there parts of my strength that are not holy that need to be winnowed and refined?
• Are there times in which I need to lay aside my abilities, in effect, lay aside my strength or "become less of who I am" for the sake of others? How do I know when/what those are?
• How do I lead from dependence on Jesus, not on personal abilities or strength? Yet at the same time, not neglect the good gifts that He has given?

I'm going to venture a guess at the answer, although I'm still in process even as I type this, but here goes my best guess:

Greatest strength comes from dependence on Jesus. In effect, then, greatest strength comes from greatest weakness or greatest recognition of need.

The places in which my strength comes from a dependence on Jesus, those are holy places. And not things to be ashamed of or to negate. Speaking truth with boldness, leadership, discernment, prayer, calling others into deeper places of faith, confidence in identity, I think there is a holiness there that comes from deep relationship with and dependence on God.

The places in which my strength is not holy... those come from places of self-assertion, self-protection, and, ultimately (big surprise), fear.

Punchline: true strength comes from dependence on God, freedom and certainty in our identities as his children. Weak-sauce strength comes from trying to define and protect ourselves based on our abilities and strengths. In effect, NOT trusting in Godfor our identity.

Certainly there are places of repentance for me (and for you) in that... but at the same time, I think there is an intrinsic blessing there as well:

To follow Jesus, does not mean that we need to be weak-sauce. To the contrary. Strength, in both men and women, can be a blessing when it is derived from and offered to Jesus. For me, that conclusion is breath-taking, eye-opening, worship-filled, and incredibly freeing.

I hope it is for you as well!